Here’s how to help your kids get through their pandemic struggles
How badly has the COVID-19 pandemic affected kids’ mental health?
Mental Health America of Greater Houston recently held “listening sessions” with students, parents, teachers and administrators in the 28 Houston-area school districts that work with its Center for School Behavioral Health — and what they heard was alarming.
According to Jamie Freeny, the center’s director, K-12 students are now more frequently dealing with grief, family stress and isolation. There’s
more clinginess, more self-harm, more cyberbullying, more suicidal ideation, disrupted sleep and acting out. Kids are more frequently being diagnosed with anxiety, depression and stress based diseases such as shingles.
Freeny, who has doctorate in public health, did her Ph.D research on childhood trauma. Here, she discusses specific ways that parents and other adults can help kids who are struggling.
I know that the Center for School Behavioral Help works to change systems in ways that help families. But could we talk about things that individuals can do to help the kids in their lives? For instance, what should a parent do if a 5-year-old clings to their leg and cries whenever the parent leaves the house?
It’s really about assuring that little one that they are safe, that they are loved, and that you will be back. The clinging could be from a point of anxiety, not not knowing when they would see you next time, not knowing what’s going to happen or who’s going to keep them safe.
So you reassure them that you are there for them, that you love them, that you will be back and that they are safe. If you’re leaving them at a day care or with a babysitter, make that connection. If the babysitter’s name is Mary, say, “Mary is going to make sure you have food and make sure that you’re safe. Then I’ll come back after work.”
Give them as much information as you can. With toddlers it’s difficult because they don’t have the words to articulate feelings, nor can they understand time. But when you’re dealing with kindergarten-age kids who are clingy, make a point of listening and validating them: “I understand you’re fearful. I understand you’re upset. I understand you’re scared.”
Name the emotion. Tell them what it is so that they can start to articulate it: “Mommy, Daddy, I’m feeling scared.” Or “I’m really worried.”
It’s really important when talking with kids that we are aware of our own tone and body language. Oftentimes children pick up on that first. So if you’re leaving and you’re angry or frustrated, or maybe you’re rushing because you’re running late, the child may understand the mood as as something they’re causing. They might take your anger at a situation to mean that you’re angry at them.
If you give them a hug and your heart’s racing and you’re breathing fast, more than likely their heart is going to race and they’ll breathe faster as well. When you hug them, you want to be calm and present. It’s really important that you are present, that you’re looking at them and talking to them. Over time, if you do that consistently, they will start to understand, “OK, Mommy is going to be back.”
Then maybe you’ll see less of a that clinginess.
But it’s not going to happen overnight, and it’s certainly something that you don’t want to ignore.
A lot of parents are under huge stress too. Many are depressed or anxious. If I’m a parent who’s dealing with these issues, how do I insulate my child?
That is so important. The first thing that we do at Mental health America of Greater Houston is encourage people to take care of themselves. We cannot stress self-care enough.
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself, because if you don’t prioritize your own health, no one else is going to.
What does that kind of self-care look like?
Are we talking a me-time bubble bath or what?
Self-care is any activity to help yourself come back to a state of balance and calm, and to be in the present. Self-care is not a luxury. Self-care is not something that only people with money can participate in. It doesn’t have to be a luxurious bath with candles, and scented fragrances and oils. It doesn’t have to be a trip to the spa. Self-care can simply be taking time to walk out to your garage, sit in your car for five minutes, and take some deep breaths.
Just to be away from my screaming child?
Just to be away from your screaming child. Or to be away from your significant other. Or be away from any other distractions, even the TV. Maybe you’ve been watching stuff about the George Floyd trial or voting rights, and it upsets you.
Whatever it is, remove yourself from it so that you can then focus, take deep breaths, and engage in mindfulness or prayer or whatever works for you.
It’s very important for you to do that. It’s not selfish.
Some people find selfcare in daily walks. Some people find self-care in listening to music or watching birds. It’s very personal.
It’s important that you model that kind of behavior for your children. If they see you taking deep breaths when you’re angry or upset or anxious, or holding your stomach, or closing your eyes, they will start to model those behaviors as well. So not only are you doing something good for yourself, you’re setting a good model for your family.
What if my kid is sleeping for hours and hours on end? What should I do then?
We tend to see that with older youth. In the teenage years, more sleep is not uncommon. But if they’re sleeping for long periods, like, over a week or two, that is certainly a red flag. That’s time for conversation.
Ask the teen, “How are you feeling? What’s motivating you? What are your goals? What drives you every day?”
You might find that they don’t have any motivators. They may be tired of this whole pandemic and want to sleep it away. When you are asleep, you don’t have to worry about other people and socializing and bullying and what you look like and — you know, all this stuff. So we should definitely recognize changes in sleep patterns as a red flag for stress or mental health concerns.
Then talk to the teen and help them set up some structure, make a plan. It might be, “Every day at 11:30, we’re going to take a walk together. Every day at noon, we’re going to eat lunch together.”
It’s important to ask that teenager, “What is something you can look forward to?” and then try to to fit that into the daily or weekly schedule. It’s really difficult to get out of bed if you don’t have anything to look forward to, or if you think the day is just going to drag on and not going to be a good day.
You also want to get to the root of the problem. Are they sleeping more because they’re tired of school? Or is it because they’re physically tired? Maybe it’s boredom: Extreme boredom was a huge topic of conversation during our listening sessions, and that can also drive a person to just want to sleep.
Ask open-ended questions. Why do you think that you’re sleeping more these days? Listen. Just listen to them. Don’t try to fix the problem. Don’t try to come up with solutions. Listen and validate their concerns. Validate their emotions. If they say, “You know what, I’m tired of all this, and I just want to sleep,” validate that.
Say something like, “You know what? I am too, and we are going to get through this together. I can understand why you feel fearful or tired or uncertain or unmotivated. We all struggle with that at times. What can we do to move forward? Because this isn’t healthy.”
Don’t make it about you, the parent, and what your expectations are — not in that moment when they’re sharing with you. Be open and listen. You can come back later and set those expectations. But really work with them. Engage them in that conversation and engage them in planning a solution.
That general approach can work for a lot of problems with children and teens. It can pertain to teens who are not eating at all, or else overeating.
It can also pertain to children and teens who are complaining of headaches every day. You’d say something like, “This is new. So tell me, what are you thinking about before this headache comes on?” Or “What are you doing before this headache hits? What are some things that we can do to that might alleviate that?”
The self-harm behaviors are especially alarming. If my kid is cutting themselves or chewing their fingernails until they bleed, what could I do?
Again, start with showing your concern, not bringing it up as a punishable behavior but showing empathy and listening, I can’t stress how important listening is. Oftentimes, we listen to respond. Especially if it’s our loved one, we want to fix the problem, move forward and sweep it under the rug or dismiss it. But that’s just not what works well.
With some mentalhealth challenges — for instance, suicidal ideation — after I’ve had that first hard conversation with my kid, I am clearly going to want outside help. How do I get that? Where do I find it?
Try your child’s school, your primary-care doctor, and resources such as Mental Health America of Greater Houston. NAMI, the National Association on Mental Illness, and the Hogg Foundation in Houston both provide information on mental illness. Those are great resources to to have in your back pocket.
For a young child, Sesame Street has some really great lessons on how to talk about race and racism, and how to talk about the elections, and how to talk about depression or anxiety, how to talk to a child whose parent is struggling with a mental illness.
The more that we talk about depression or anxiety or schizophrenia, the more normal these things will be. We can start to dismantle some of the stigma that’s related to them.
People that struggle with mental illness are not bad people. They’re not more violent. They’re not scary. They’re no one to be feared. We need to make sure that when we talk about mental illness, that we’re talking about it just like we’re talking about somebody who breaks their leg, or somebody who has a heart attack.
The brain is just a part of the body, like the arms and the feet and legs. Mental illness is just another part of physical health.
Children experience stress and fear when somebody leaves or dies. They may cry. Those times are opportunities to talk about how to cope with emotions, so that in the future, those things don’t advance to mental illness. We can teach kids early and intervene early so that they don’t become adults struggling with depression or anxiety.
Check your own biases, your own thoughts, your own feelings and your own experiences, especially when it comes to things related to mental illness, illness, and suicidal ideation. Some of those words and behaviors may be a emotional trigger for you, because of your own experience. Maybe this is something that happened to you when you were younger, or you had a loved one who had those experiences. Understanding and checking that first, before you respond, is crucial.
You don’t want to take any anger or fearfulness or uncertainty from your own past experiences and pass them on to that child. That’s not their responsibility to handle, and it could complicate things more.
You absolutely can share those stories, but be mindful of what you’re saying and how you’re talking about that. If you had a sister that used to engage in self-harming behaviors, be mindful of how you describe that. Talk about what made her do that, and why she thought that was the only outlet, and then talk about, “But here is what we know.”
There’s a lot to keep in mind. It’s hard being an adult.
Adulting is hard! But it’s a challenge that many of us rise to every day. And those who engage in selfcare tend to do it better.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.