Wedding hostess invites friends couple doesn’t know
After two canceled wedding dates due to the pandemic, my partner and I decided we’d rather get on with it. My grandmother’s dementia is only accelerating, and I wanted her to be fully present at my wedding.
My grandmother lives with my lovely aunt out of state. We traveled to their home — safely keeping to ourselves by camping along the way — and wed in their backyard. Close friends and family watched via webcam.
My aunt invited a few of her friends to the wedding without informing me. I was a little concerned about safety, but I was more grateful at the time just to be there, getting married. Also, she was the hostess and officiant, so I felt it would be rude to complain.
I did not know these fine folks, and one of them gave us a small, nice gift. After returning home, I asked my aunt for the gift-giver’s address to send a thank-you, but she never gave it to me. It has been several months now.
I am bothered that I didn’t properly show my appreciation for the gift, and I admit that I cannot recall the person’s name any longer. My focus was mostly on my new spouse and stepchild that day, and not the people I had just met. What is the etiquette when one receives a wedding gift from an unknown, uninvited guest? At this point, am I still obligated to pester my aunt for the giver’s address?
Gentle Reader:
Yes, but if you cannot help yourself, Miss Manners will permit you to say in the letter, “What a wonderful and unexpected surprise to have you at the wedding. Caitlin and I adore the wonderful cheese grater. I do wish that we had had more time at the wedding, but since you are one of Aunt Lacey’s closest friends, I trust that we will see you at another family event soon.” As the occasion is unlikely to be repeated, you need not chastise lovely Aunt Lacey for not properly introducing you to her unanticipated friends.
Dear Miss Manners:
In the context of a world filled with major problems, this one is quite minor, but the question has galled me for many years, and I would love some professional feedback.
I am a voracious reader, but for a long time now, and for various reasons, almost all my book “reading” is done by listening to audiobooks. Those quotation marks introduce my quandary: Do I use the words “read” or “listened to” when discussing books?
I might be recommending a book to a fellow reader — “I just read the latest Nancy Drew mystery, and I think you’d love it” — or adding the contents of a book to a discussion — “According to a book I read, the aardvark prefers to consume daisies above all flowers.” Or I might introduce someone to a book series as part of a friendly conversation: “I read the entire ‘History of Flags’ series, and it was stunning!”
In all of these scenarios, I didn’t, in point of fact, “read” anything. The means of communication was auditory. But “I listened to a great book recently” or “I heard a new author I think you should check out” doesn’t fall trippingly off the tongue. Is it misleading to state that I read something when that’s not what actually happened?
Gentle Reader:
Why not eliminate the verb entirely? “Wittgenstein’s ‘Tractatus-logico Philosophicus’ is really quite a pleasure.” Or “The canon of Proust is brilliant. I think you would love it.”
Miss Manners assures you, however, that should there be further inquiry into the experience, there is no shame in admitting that it was auditory. Comparing and discussing audiobooks is no less interesting than doing so with bound editions — especially since many of the latter are now read on devices of some sort, anyway.
Dear Miss Manners:
I have completed a kitchen remodel after my house flooded. I had to do this on a budget because my insurance only paid a small amount.
I think it turned out beautifully. However, whenever guests come over, they comment about the remodel and offer suggestions for things that they wish I had done differently. If it was just one person, I would let it go, but it’s a continual problem, and it’s always a different suggestion.
It’s not like there’s one huge eyesore they all point out; these are small things they mention, which are really matters of personal preference.
I believe these people are well-meaning, but after everything I’ve been through, I am just so glad to be done with my remodel and moving on. Please help me with an appropriate response.
Gentle Reader:
“Oh! We never thought of a disco mirrored backsplash. But we were actually really pleased with how the remodel came out …” — with enough of a pause afterward, Miss Manners suggests, that the implied “I am sorry to hear that you think otherwise” remains implied.