With jewelry involved, maybe it’s better to leave a will
Over a century ago, when my grandmother had a heart attack, she collected her children and their spouses together and distributed her valuables, as she did not want to be bothered with writing a will.
When she gave her jewelry to her daughters, she said that she would like to see them wear it while she was still alive. When she gave pieces to her sons, on the other hand, she said that the pieces were for their children — no mention of seeing their wives wearing any of it.
Throughout the years, my mother and her siblings have debated if her intention was to snub her daughters-in-law or to convey the message that these pieces were to stay in the family. They (and us, the grandchildren) have decided to be charitable and assume she just wanted to make sure the pieces stayed in the family. To that point, if a family member needed to sell one of these pieces, it was offered first to the family.
NowIama mother of two sons, and a grandmother to several boys and girls. I own several of these pieces of jewelry, either through inheritance from my mother or through buying them from my cousins.
What is the most diplomatic way to give these to my daughters-in-law to enjoy in my lifetime and at the same time ensure they stay in the family? My sons are aware of the family tradition, but one of my DILs has made it clear she believes my grandmother’s intention was to snub her daughters-inlaw and that, once gifted to her, she will do with them as she pleases.
Gentle Reader:
Interesting as the backstory is, your daughter-in-law has made your decision easy. You want the jewelry to stay in the family, but you cannot really enforce that once it leaves your possession.
So do not give any to the defiant daughter-in-law. If she objects, you can explain that it is important to you to honor your grandmother’s desire that it remain in the family. You can think (but not say) that it might also honor your grandmother’s desire to insult daughters-inlaw.
Dear Miss Manners:
A co-worker of mine is getting married. On one day, she is having a church wedding followed by cake. The next day, she is having a civil ceremony and big reception.
I am invited to the church wedding/cake. Most of my other co-workers are invited to both events. What is the protocol in regard to this invitation?
Gentle Reader:
Guests politely answer the invitations they receive, either in the affirmative or the negative, as their schedules (and, sometimes, inclinations) permit.
This seems straightforward to Miss Manners, assuming that your question was not, rather, how to register your displeasure at having been excluded from cake on day two of the festivities. As she has no way to accomplish this within the dictates of good manners, she is pleased you did not ask.
Dear Miss Manners:
I have a new granddaughter. Everyone is thrilled. However, I found myself editing the birth announcement before forwarding it to my family and friends because it contained links to “contribute” to the baby’s expenses.
I think solicitation of this sort is offensive in many ways, and I can’t believe I missed sharing this value with my daughter. How and when is the best way to communicate this issue with her?
Gentle Reader:
Well, definitely before she has another child. Miss Manners suggests that you tell her that such soliciting is unseemly, and point out that for the last announcement, you had to do some creative editing.
No doubt, your daughter will tell you how old-fashioned you are and that everyone is doing it this way now — after she chastises you for preventing half the family from contributing.
It is then that you may suggest that you help her create and send announcements to at least your inner circle. Perhaps you cannot stop her from doing it the greedy way with her own friends, but you will have shown her the proper way to do it — which is really all a mother can do, even when she does manage to get ahead of the situation.