Houston wipes the court with Dallas — in more ways than one
Houston is simply better than Dallas.
In so many, many ways. For starters, Houston has more restaurants, more bars, more cafes and fewer fitness centers than Dallas.
That’s a four-game sweep, much like … we don’t like to make predictions, but come on. We’re halfway home. Have you seen James Harden play? He’s sort of pretty good. Dallas, you may want to try guarding him. Just a suggestion.
Not that we’re counting, but our arena has two championship banners hanging. Your one banner must feel lonely. Poor baby, banner.
Here are 10 more reasons Houston is bigger, better and bolder than Texas’ third-largest city up Interstate 45. Thirdlargest? Ha!
1. Houston’s baseball and football teams play in … Houston! That’s called master planning. We don’t have to fill up the gas tank to watch our “home” teams.
2. Not to go all “Metric Moneyball” on you, but Houston is the fastest-growing city in the United States, with an economy that’s on fire. Houston has added 667,800 jobs since 2005. In Dallas … did the Valero on Cedar Springs Road ever add that second Slushee machine?
3. Don’t know where Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones got his latest, very natural-looking face-lift, but usually rich, irrelevant blowhards come to Houston, home of the world’s biggest concentration of medical facilities in the world, for major sandblasting work.
4. Houston has the Port of Houston (No. 1 in import and export tonnage in the U.S.), the Ship Channel, Galveston Bay and the Gulf of Mexico. Dallas has, let me check ... what time does the YMCA pool open on Saturday?
5. Houston is Houston. The big cheese stands alone. Dallas is Dallas-Fort Worth. Stop leaning on Fort Worth. Buck up, Dallas, be yourself. Stand on your own two feet. You can do
it! And Fort Worth, stop enabling Dallas. You’re really not helping.
6. Our basketball team is a 3-point, recordsmashing, rocket-launching machine. The Mavericks, we’re still waiting for Rajon Rondo to get the ball past half court in less than 8 seconds. Houston has mall walkers who move faster than that.
7. Houston has been named “Coolest City in America” by Forbes. OK, so Forbes may not be the top arbiter of “cool.” It’s like having your father buy you a “cool” car, and it’s a used Hyundai with 140,000 miles on it. But Dallas has never won it, and we’ll take it. We’re just spiking the ball in the end zone now.
8. Houston put a man on the moon. In Dallas, the traffic moves so slowly on LBJ Freeway that your car’s warranty can run out between Central and Stemmons. Take Forest Lane instead of LBJ next time. Traffic doesn’t move any faster on Forest Lane, but you’ll meet different people getting out of their cars to see what the holdup is.
9. Superstar athletes who went to the University of Houston: Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon, the “Big E” Elvin Hayes, Clyde “The Glide” Drexler, the World’s Fastest Human Carl Lewis and Heisman Trophy winner Andre Ware.
The greatest athlete from the University of Dallas? (Yes, there is a University of Dallas — it’s a Division III college in, whoa, Irving.) It might be Mark Resnick, and he’s not even enrolled until September. Resnick made the All-Star team five years in a row in West University Place Little League.
10. Finally, here’s the clincher:
Houston … Beyoncé (started with Destiny’s Child).
Dallas … Lulu Roman (started with the Hee Haw Honeys).
A bonus “Why Houston is better than Dallas.”
Even our creeps are creepier than Dallas creeps. Who’s the best you got? Dennis Rodman?
Please, Rodman wins the Rotary Club “Citizen of the Year” compared to … wait for it … Robert Durst.
See you in Dallas, for what little is left of our NBA playoff series.
Pethouse Pet of the Week
Name: Claudia, as in Schiffer and Cardinale
Birthdate: Aug. 21, 2011
Ethnicity: I’m a sweetie-pie Chow Chow
mixed-up girl. I’m a huggie type of dog. Is that seat taken on your couch?
Claudia’s comments: The 34th ESCAPE Celebrity Serve Benefit is Sunday night at Tony’s (wow, dems good eats). This is the A+ List event where Houston celebs mingle with dinner guests and a ton of money is raised for ESCAPE Family Resource Center, which works to prevent child abuse and neglect. No better cause.
You want names? Try Lee Majors, astronauts Gene Cernan and Walt Cunninghan, my bowling-team partners Lynn Wyatt and Becca Cason Thrash, country singer Billy Dawson, Robert “Clutch the Bear” Boudwin and TV legends Bob Allen, Chita Johnson, Ron Trevino, Lily Jang, Dave Ward, Rebecca Spera, Frank Billingsley, Ernie Manouse and the “Traffic Master” Lanny Griffith. You’ll also meet the “High Tech Texan” Michael Garfield, radio/TV personality Cleverley Stone and and many more.
Here’s the guy I want to meet: former Navy SEAL Rob O’Neill. He was part of the team that took out Osama bin Laden.
To purchase tickets or tables, or donate to the live auction, call Sandi Mercado at ESCAPE, 713-942-9500, ext. 14, or go to learntoparent.org and click on “Superheroes Celebrity Serve Benefit.”