Judging cook-off is a dirty job: Do I have sauce on my face?
The other night I enjoyed Sliced Tenderloin with Cherry Demi Glaze, Chipotle Mac & Cheese and Crab Cakes, paired with a delightful can of Diet Coke from Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steak House. That’s a lot of food.
Then I had only 24 more restaurants to go.
When I was asked to judge the “Taste of the Texans” charity fundraiser, I figured I’d be one of a pack of midlevel media moochers. That’s how it usually works at barbecue and other cook-offs. Judges move from booth to booth as a team. That way, if I don’t care for a particular item, say, goat or gator, I can pass. Nobody makes a fuss.
The day before the event, I found out I was the only judge. I ate goat and gator. I gave 110 percent, which, as talk host Charlie Pallilo likes to say, is physically impossible. I traversed all 25 booths. And they weren’t giving out measly portions, like at those unfulfilling sampling restaurants. I was digging into a good-size plate at each stop. Some, admittedly, I picked at. Others, it was more, “Do I have sauce on my face?”
Union Kitchen — Chef Henry’s Louisiana Gumbo, Truffle Mac & Cheese, Chocolate Mousse Cake.
The “Taste of Texans,” seventh edition, raised $350,000 for the Houston Food Bank and Houston Methodist Hospital. The honorary chairman was Scott McClelland, the “H-E-B guy” who co-stars with J.J. Watt in TV commercials. At the event I asked him, which TV spot is your favorite?
“It’s the one where J.J. rushes me and tries to tackle me,” McClelland said. “I had just come out of a cast. He tripped, and I thought he was actually going to tackle me. My life flashed before my eyes.”
It’s so unusual to see Watt do a TV commercial these days.
McClelland, Texans play-byplay man Marc Vandermeer and Texans president Jamey Rootes all do the lean-in bro hug. I hate that. Enough touching.
Several Texans players were at the event. “The linemen love this event,” center Ben Jones said. “We get to eat and walk around and meet people and eat.” Jones recently signed on as commercial spokesman for Fuddrucker’s. According to a Fudd’s executive, Jones was picked because “he loves to crush hamburgers.”
Houston Texans Grille — Bacon Wrapped Texas Stuffed Quail, Smoked Fried Alligator.
There were Texans cheerleaders at the front door and in a photo booth for fans. Texans players roamed through the crowd. The rookies ate, mingled and signed autographs. Bigger star players, such as linebacker Brian Cushing, had a security person next to them. First-round draft pick Kevin Johnson was there. He’s the skinniest pro football player I’ve ever seen. The skinny jeans weren’t helping.
Killen’s Texas Barbecue — Crab Cakes, Beef Ribs, Pork Ribs, Pumpkin Bread Pudding.
I asked master BBQ’er Ronnie Killen: “Everybody talks about your monster beef ribs; what makes them so good?”
“They’re large,” he said, between 1½ to 2 pounds each. “It’s like eating a New York strip steak on a stick. We don’t do much, just salt and pepper, and we cook them for about 10 hours. When you start with a good product, you don’t have to do much. You just honor the animal.”
Killen, who’s killin’ it in Pearland, said he’s looking to open a restaurant inside Loop 610 in about 18 months. He also said he’s teaching 325-pound defensive lineman and Florida native Vince Wilfork how to barbecue like a Texan. That’s not helping either.
Anejo — Braised Rabbit Tinga, Mini Tostadas.
Underbelly — Korean Braised Goat and Dumplings.
This is going to be a problem. I don’t eat goat or Bugs Bunny. Underbelly owner Chris Shepherd, who’s supposed to be my friend, said, “You don’t eat goat? Well, tonight you will.” He said goat is the only dish currently served at Underbelly that was on the original menu in 2012. “People love it, and it’s easily sourced,” he said. “We can always get goats.”
Some restaurants hired models to hang around their booths — it was like a car show. That was weird.
RDG + Bar Annie – Tenderloin of Beef “Monte Cristo” with Huitlache Salsa and Truffle Cheese.
We’re down to the wire. I had to pick one — only one — restaurant to win the Food Critics Award. That’s me, the food critic. I specialize in Dollar Menu burgers through a drive-through window, and now I’m stuffing myself with incredible food from some of Houston’s most elegant restaurants. These places are so fancy, they don’t even have advertisements for bailbonds companies on the men’s room door.
Here’s another problem. I’m not saying which one, but one of these restaurants once sponsored my Little League team, and I eat there all the time. If I pick that restaurant, we’re all going to wind up on the “Nancy Grace” show. I told the owner that I’m sorry, but you can’t win. He understood completely … and banned me from his restaurant. He was kidding. I think, I hope.
Methodist Hospital — Cajun Shrimp, Braised Beef and Napa Slaw Taco, Truffles.
I asked the chef, “Do patients really get this kind of food at Methodist?
“Yes, if you’re a VIP,” he said.
Table 57 — St. Louis Ribs, Stone Ground Ribs.
Twenty-five restaurants. Mission accomplished. But I did think the Texans were spiking the ball to give away cookies on the way out. My voting record is clear on chocolate chips. I support them.
Time to pick a winner. I went with the booth that had the longest line and the most repeat customers. The people have spoken …
Killen’s Texas Barbecue.
Pethouse Pet of the Week
Name: Dandy — as in Don Meredith and the great Kinks song.
Birthdate: Dec. 23, 2013.
Ethnicity: I’m a miniature poodle fella.
Dandy’s Doodles: The Pontiac Silverdome is headed for the wrecking ball. It opened in 1975, was last used in 2013. Its most famous event: Wrestlemania III, when Hulk Hogan body-slammed Andre the Giant.
The Houston Texans’ season is a complete train wreck. Quarterback can’t get out of bed on time and gets cut. Coach and general
manager are squabbling. The owner makes a political donation — and then wants his money back. Total disaster. Oh, yeah, they’re tied for first place in their division.
The UH Cougars are ranked No. 25 in the College Football Playoff rankings. I get it. The Coogs aren’t in a major conference. But don’t tell me there are 24 teams that can beat them.
Ohio State quarterback is caught driving drunk, and the school suspends him for one game against a mediocre opponent. That’s all? I didn’t know that Columbus was in Florida.