HOUSTON, WE HAVE A GAME
So many subplots ensure nothing will deflate this matchup
Our old friend, Matt Schaub, can finally win a Super Bowl in Houston at NRG Stadium — with the wrong team and four years too late.
Tom Brady* and Bill Belichick could be giving good ol’ Roger Goodell the oldfashioned No. 1 salute while celebrating beneath world championship confetti for the fifth time and cementing New England’s legacy as pro football’s greatest dynasty.
And I’m cool with Matty Ice slinging it for four thrilling quarters and adding two MVPs (Super Bowl, NFL) to his new trophy case if the 2016-17 version of the greatest show on turf keeps scorching the earth.
Of course, I can live without the already overinflated two-week hype. I wish someone else were prancing around at halftime. And this probably isn’t the dream matchup you were picturing Sunday
before the conference championships let us down. The Falcons, from bandwagon Atlanta, versus the Patriots, from the Evil Empire, doesn’t pump the blood like Packers versus Pats or Aaron Rodgers standing in the way of Pittsburgh’s seventh ring.
But Super Bowl 51 — LI if you count the ancient way — clearly features each conference’s best team. And if the seasonlong storylines continue, Patriots-Falcons should be a modern burner.
There’s really been only one bad Super Bowl since 2003 — thanks, Peyton Manning and XLVIII — and the last big game saw a rickety Sheriff somehow climb atop his horse one last time before riding off into the sunset to shoot more commercials.
The game that used to always disappoint rarely has in the new millennium. The only blowout since 2003 was in ’14, when some coach named Dan Quinn was cranking up the Legion of Boom in Seattle.
Roman holiday
Houston’s been waiting for Sunday, Feb. 5, for 13 years. Our last Roman numeral came in 2004, which was just two years after Bob McNair brought the NFL back to life in this city and when NRG was known as Reliant. Brady was just a kid excited about his second ring back then (the Hoodie was already grumpy), and this circus should turn out just fine, as long as it doesn’t rain for a few hours and Houston starts flooding again.
It’s the league’s No. 1 scoring offense versus the NFL’s No. 1 scoring defense. It’s the team that suddenly silenced Rodgers’ magic against the team that ended the Texans’ season.
Speaking of that annual 9-7 franchise, which can only watch while Super Bowl LI takes over its stadium the next two weeks …
Haven’t we seen a lot of these faces before?
Last year, it was Texans North hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in SB 50 near San Francisco, making Cam Newton cry. Ex-Texans coaches Gary Kubiak, Wade Phillips, Rick Dennison and Bill Kollar led a collection of 13 former McNair employees (eight coaches, five players) who won a ring with Denver after leaving Houston behind. This time, Atlanta offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan and DC Richard Smith are the ex-Kubiak guys. Shanahan was once Texans OC; Smith held his same job in Houston before being fired in 2008.
We’re not going to spend much time picking apart the Falcons, though. Like Houston, Atlanta never wins championships, and this is Patriot Week(s). Heck, even the super-secretive Belichick — a fierce opponent of fake news and alternative facts long before it was fashionable — had no idea who he’d be sharing podiums, stages and spotlights with in Houston until the surprise was ruined.
“I didn’t even know (Atlanta) won. We didn’t see the first game,” said the best pro football coach of all time after New England made the Steelers look worse than the Texans.
Why spy or deflate things when you’re so good you don’t have to glance at a Gillette Stadium TV?
The Pats should soon be polishing Ring V. But I can also picture the Falcons putting up at least three touchdowns and Brady — four months removed from a four-game suspension and the lifetime asterisk Goodell gave him — having to outshoot Matt Ryan on the same field where he once outdrew Jake Delhomme. Ah, memories. Which brings me back to ancient time.
Schaub is back!
Less than three years ago, the Texans traded the quarterback who couldn’t stop throwing pick-sixes to Oakland as Bill O’Brien started remaking McNair’s team. About five months later, Atlanta appeared in Houston for a few preseason practices, fresh off a disastrous 4-12 season and faking being tough for the “Hard Knocks” cameras.
These reborn Falcons just shredded the Seahawks and Packers on the march to LI. The Texans have gone 9-7 ever since and are still searching for Schaub’s true replacement.
The best QB the Texans ever had is a Falcon again. And his new team is just one win away from finally giving Schaub a ring and preventing the Patriots from throwing a fully inflated football in the commissioner’s smug face.
Let the circus begin.