H-E-B cuts Brock Osweiler from the ad roster
I haven’t seen a city this happy to get rid of somebody since Dudley Do-Right ran Snidely Whiplash out of town on the “Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.”
It was New Year’s Eve, Mardi Gras and the allied liberation of Europe rolled into one when the Texans announced they had found a sucker, I mean a team, willing to take embattled quarterback Brock Osweiler in a trade.
We all know the details of Osweiler’s insane contract: $72 million over four years, $37 million guaranteed, a $12 million signing bonus. He makes more money than Tom Brady.
And Brady can throw a pass to somebody on his own team.
OK, the Texans have unloaded Osweiler’s contract. But I remember writing a little column when H-E-B supermarkets announced they had signed Osweiler to a two-year deal to star in TV commercials.
Was H-E-B also able to find a sucker, I mean a grocery store, in Cleveland to eat Osweiler’s contract, too?
“We had an out clause if Osweiler left the team. Since we don’t have stores in Cleveland, we won’t be running any further ads with Brock,” said Scott McClelland, H-E-B’s star of stage, screen and the frozen food aisle.
With Vince Woolfork, another H-E-B thespian, mulling retirement, McClelland’s stable of contract actors could be shrinking.
“J.J. Watt and I will be filming new ads in
a couple of months,” McClelland said. “We’re leaving our options open on what we’ll do beyond those. Remember, I did play a quarterback in an early J.J. commercial. I’m just sayin’.”
Enough already
Usually, I think, too much of a good thing … still not enough. Except when it comes to television.
NBC is turning the “Weekend Update” segment of “Saturday Night Live” into a halfhour series. That’s my favorite part of “SNL,” but it runs maybe 10 minutes. Stretching it to 30 minutes will be like the “Seinfeld” spinoffs starring Jason Alexander and Michael Richards. George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer were hilarious in SDs (small doses), part of an ensemble cast. As stars of their own shows, they were too much to take. Plus, do we even need an expanded “Weekend Update?” Don’t we already have enough fake news on TV? I kid because I love.
A shot in the dark
Why am I still hearing stories on the news about a “gunshot” being fired at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo? I was there that night, a week ago Wednesday. I saw a lot of mostly young people running. It was like a scene from Pamplona during the running of the bulls. Many of runners were laughing and bumping into other people and food stands and facepainting booths.
Within minutes, news outlets were reporting a possible shooting at the rodeo.
More than a week later: No gun has been found. Everybody at the rodeo that night had to pass through a metal detector. I haven’t seen a police sketch of a possible shooter. No credible witness saw anybody with a gun. Nobody has been arrested for firing a gun. Nobody was hit with a bullet. Nobody found a bullet in their deep-fried Twinkies.
Police say they found a stray bullet casing. This is Houston. You can find a stray bullet casing in your chili at restaurants. Once everybody cleared the grounds at NRG Park, it would have been easy to find a gun if somebody tried to hide one. None found.
A corn dog veteran told me, “This happens at fairs all over now. Stupid kids start running and bumping into people and causing problems.”
You know what? I don’t think there was a shot fired at the rodeo that night.
Cautionary tip
Last Saturday night, driving home from San Antonio, my car and I had a bonding experience. We both got hold of some bad gas at a dumpy service station. My car sputtered out and died in Columbus, about 70 miles from home in Houston.
I managed to limp into a service station and left it there. Monday morning I started calling around Columbus for a place to fix my car — a nuclearpowered Jaguar S-type. I’m a fancy boy. Not surprisingly, I couldn’t find a repair shop that worked on Jags in Columbus. I needed a tow back to Houston.
First I called AAA; they wanted nearly $400. I called a local tow company; $500. One tow company said $550. (I’m starting to sound like Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady.)
Someone told me, “Your car insurance may cover towing.” I called my guy. Turns out that I declined the towing option, but the company would tow my car if I paid out of pocket: $240.
So when you need a tow, be like that Smokey Robinson golden oldie and “Shop Around.”
I’m headed back to San Antonio this weekend. Trinity University is honoring its 2016 D3 National Champion baseball team. It’s the first time a team from Texas won the D3 World Series in La Crosse, Wis. The players are getting official NCAA rings.
Question: what do you think one of those rings will bring on eBay?