A five-step crash course in getting prepared to rock college

You should read this column because I am an excellent writer whose skills have been honed by more than a decade of hard work and perseverance. My success is punctuated by numerous awards. I have overcome obstacles that revealed my true character. That is why you should read this column.

No, it is why you should toss it into the nearest bird cage.

Bad essays are like that first paragraph, all hat and no cattle. Hollow, multi-syllabled promises of a point with no actual deliverable. And they’ll kill an otherwise strong college application. What can save it? A good yarn.

Take this one: I walked into my counselor’s office as a junior at Seguin High School and told her my dream was to study journalism at one of the nation’s best schools, Syracuse, in upstate New York. She told me it was too cold up there for a kid raised in Texas. And they probably wouldn’t let me in anyway. I was crushed. But look at you. You’re mildly interested.

Now, maybe you’re 62 and you don’t plan on applying to college anytime soon. Fine. But you probably know someone — a neighbor, a grandchild, the kid handing you your hamburger in the drive-thru. They may be headed to college someday, and they’ll need this information. Save it. Share it.

I recently wrote about my trip to highly selective New England colleges with a program called EMERGE, which helps low-income and firstgeneration students through the application process. Not everybody has that opportunity. And considering the dismal ratio of college counselors to high school students these days — in Houston ISD, it’s 400:1, I’ll offer up the Cliffs Notes. The best tips for getting into an Ivy League School. Or any school.

1. Options. Get some. While many kids dream of Ivies, and there are tangible benefits — gener--

ous financial aid, study abroad perks, insider tracks to high-paying jobs — acceptance rates hover in the single digits.

EMERGE fellows are encouraged to apply to about 10 schools, including an elite school that would be a “reach” to get into, an elite school that’s more of a match, two toptier “safety” schools and two public state universities. Laser focus on one school can blind students to other opportunities.

2. The essay. In a sea of impressive transcripts and extracurricular accomplishments, the essay is the student’s chance to stand out, to be heard, to be real. Or a chance to bore the pants off the glazed-eyed individual tasked with reading it. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. They’ve read enough diary entries from life-changing church mission trips and resume regurgitations. What they want is a story — ideally, a great one that’s true, makes a profound point, shows vulnerability, risk-taking or struggle and includes lots of active verbs.

EMERGE co-founder Rick Cruz told me about a student who came to him in a panic the day his college application was due, unsure of his essay but not sure what else to write. Cruz had him put the essay aside and tell him a story, any story, out loud.

The student began to grin, Cruz recalled, and told one he’d heard often as a boy, about how his parents were travelling in Mexico and stopped at a bench to count what was left of their money. Suddenly, a donkey came along, slurped up the cash and began to chew. His father frantically reached inside the donkey’s mouth to retrieve it.

“I said, ‘That’s kind of funny and kind of crazy,’ ” Cruz told me. It became the opening anecdote in an eloquent essay about personal narratives and how they shape who we are and who we become. The student was soon left with a new conundrum: choosing between Harvard and Yale.

3. Aim not for admission but for love. Finding a college match is more complicated than applying to a school because of reputation, rankings or because Cousin So-And-So went there.

Approach it like you would online dating, although maybe the eHarmony variety, with its grueling long questionnaire, is better than the face-swiping shallowness of Tinder. A college is more than a pretty facade. Consider common interests, location, size, campus culture or money.

Admissions advisers aren’t impressed with boilerplate answers to questions about why you chose the school — topranked professors! Ugh. If you can give detailed, personal answers, your application will be more persuasive, and more competitive.

Cruz recommends as a resource the College Board website, which allows a student to create a profile and recommends colleges based on interests.

Another tip? Attend college fairs, apply to flyin programs that allow students to get a feel for the campus in person.

4 Early matters. This may not help rising seniors. For everyone else, it’s never too early to start thinking about college. That’s a cliché — but worthy of mentioning since so few heed its wisdom. Don’t wait until you need a recommendation letter from a college adviser to meet her. She doesn’t bite — not even freshmen.

Speaking of letters, give your counselors and teachers time to write them and maybe provide a helpful outline. Familiarize yourself with deadlines, not just at elite schools. Applying early is often essential at state schools because financial aid and spots in the best programs — say, A&M’s engineering school — are often doled out on a firstcome, first-serve basis.

And while tests aren’t everything, achieving a certain range on the SAT or ACT still matters. Take a prep course, including an excellent free one provided online by Khan Academy. And take the test more than once — it shows grit.

Also, take the hardest schedule you can manage. Earning a B in AP calculus is always better than a perfect score in study 5. hall. FAFSA. Just do it. No matter how much your parents make, fill out the federal application for financial aid, known as the “FAFSA.” And do it as soon as allowed, which is earlier now that the government considers income from parents’ previous tax year.

Cruz says some students assume wrongly that they have no chance at free money for college. Think again. A Stanford student whose parents make less than $150,000 can go for free. Even if you don’t qualify for aid, some merit-based programs require the FAFSA for consideration.

Well, there they are — the Top 5 ways to get into the college of your dreams. You can head over to the bird cage now or hand this column to the nearest collegebound teen. He or she may thank you some day. Just do me a favor and don’t let a hungry donkey get it.

Knowledge, like money, is a terrible thing to waste.