Life’s biggest mystery: How does anyone think Blake Shelton is sexiest man alive?
There are more than 3 billion men on the planet, and People magazine picked Blake Shelton as the sexiest of them all? I’m sorry, but no. Look, I’m not here to debate physical attractiveness. And I’m well aware that Shelton is many people’s cup of sweet tea. That’s cool. But sexy is more than just how someone looks. There’s supposed to be an element of je
ne sais quoi to “sexy.” Shelton is no-baked straight from the recipe book without any improvisation, though. Bland and branded, I feel like je sais everything about him — because I’ve seen him a million times before.
He’s the guy, who in “The Year Of The Woman” sings the lyrics, “You find the spot and I’ll find the money, You be the pretty and I’ll be the funny” – presumably to Gwen Stefani, who if I’m not mistaken can find her own damn money.
Sexy should be less patronizing than that. Would John Legend ever sing that about Chrissy Teigen? No, never. And not just because she’d skewer him on Twitter, but because he prides himself on an equal partnership. That’s sexy. “But Maggie,” you say. “What about Blake’s ‘Everyman’ quality? You can’t possibly deny that there’s something sexy about that, can you?’ ”
Yes, I totally get the “Everyman” thing — known commodities and approachability. Take me to an ice cream stand and I will order two scoops of vanilla four out of five times. But Shelton is not even vanilla. He’s mashed potatoes — meant to be consumed mindlessly, in much greater quantities than you originally intended.
If you’re looking for a real “everyman,” why not look to George Springer? During the World Series, one commentator said Springer looks like he could be anyone’s son or brother — like he could have grown up in any American family. And that’s so true. He’s got that boy-next-door charm down pat, but unlike Shelton, there’s no “aw shucks” in Springer. He’s very clear about all the determination and focus it took to not only become the World Series MVP but also to overcome a debilitating stutter. And now he talks to kids about his struggle in hopes of empowering them. That’s sexy. You know what else is sexy? A sense of humor. And this is where Shelton becomes a legitimate contender. He’s the goofball on NBC’s “The Voice,” constantly poking fun at his cast mates, especially Adam Levine, a former recipient of the “Sexiest Man Alive” honor by People. When Shelton first learned he was earning the title this year, he said he couldn’t wait to “shove this up Adam’s” … we’ll say “butt.” That’s good for a cheap laugh, as many of Shelton’s quips and one-liners are.
But that kind of laugh is over as soon as it’s begun. It’s cute, maybe. But hardly sexy. A sexy sense of humor relies on jokes that make you think. Colin Jost has a sexy sense of humor. Trevor Noah has a sexy sense of humor. Aziz Ansari has a sexy sense of humor. And, Lord, help me for saying this, but in 2017, Jimmy Kimmel has proven that even he has a sexy sense of humor, for how he’s making Americans rethink complicated issues like health care.
At the end of the day, Shelton feels like a guy who has carefully choreographed every move he makes and every word that comes out of his mouth. It’s a great strategy to become a household name. But it just shouldn’t be enough to qualify as the sexiest man alive any more.