Granddaughter is blind to signs of an abusive mate.
Dear Abby:
My granddaughter is getting married in seven months and I’m worried for her. I see many red flags she’s ignoring. Because I’m old, I don’t think she will believe me.
You have printed a list of warning signs of an abusive mate. Can you print it again so I can give it to her? Perceptive in Pennsylvania Dear Perceptive:
Gladly, because it could be a lifesaver.
1. Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
3. Controlling: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
5. Isolation: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. Blames others for problems or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
7. Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners also will abuse children.
10. “Playful” use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
12. Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
13. Sudden Mood Swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
14. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him or her do it.
15. Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” and then dismisses them with “I didn’t really mean it.”
Anyone at risk should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or thehotline.org.