Valentine’s Day? It’s complicated
Love a little louder because ‘clearly, love is renewable. The more we give, the more we get’
These days, it’s cool to bash Valentine’s Day. It’s hip to dismiss and demean it. In addition to being overly commercial, it’s also full of over-the-top expressions of devotion that don’t quite feel real. Even for those who are full of loving feelings, being forced to share them publicly can cause distress. Of course, it’s also easy to hate Valentine’s Day for making single people feel left out entirely.
I’ve got to admit: I don’t disagree with any of the above. There is truth to all of it.
But, personally, I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think the world as a whole, and our individual lives, are better served by taking the high road and adapting a healthier, happier approach to Valentine’s Day. In other words, I believe the day is ours and what we do with it is up to us. It’s a reflection of our values, what we want to believe and how we want to live.
I spent most of my life feeling unloved, unlovable and feeling publicly shamed (privately despairing) if I didn’t have a romantic partner act like he loved me on Valentine’s Day. It was horrible to have everyone around me notice how unlovable I was. Argh. Brings tears to my eyes, still, when I think of how awful I felt about myself and how much I yearned for someone else to prove to me that I was worthy.
The year I got out of my own pity party long enough to look around and see how many others were suffering the same selfloathing was when everything changed for me. I didn’t have to wait for someone to love me to make the day joyful; I could show love to the people who made me feel so good all the other days of the year, namely my friends and family. I thought I had to rename the day “Galentine’s Day” since so many of my friends are women, but since then I’ve realized that’s ridiculous.
After all, we’ve already reinvented and secularized this holiday currently called Valentine’s Day. It was originally designated St. Valentine’s Day by the Catholic Church and was ostensibly a religious holiday honoring a martyred man by anointing him as the saint of love. But there’s little evidence that St. Valentine had anything to do with love. Some suggest that the modern holiday is a Christian cover-up of the more ancient Roman February celebration of Lupercalia because those festivities included men flogging women with the hides of fresh animal sacrifices and then having publicly sanctioned hookups. So, while there was lots of lovemaking going on, the romantic aspect of Valentine’s Day wasn’t a thing until about a thousand years later when Chaucer, and then Shakespeare, linked their poetic visions of love to the day.
We don’t have a Holiday Supreme Court that requires us to strictly interpret or follow any rules when it comes to secular celebrations, so why not take the most appealing ideal of the Valentine’s Day concept, which, in my mind, is a general celebration of love for others, and celebrate the heck out of that? I know that love doesn’t fix everything, but it does make everything better. The fact is, there are very few major holidays that aren’t associated with religion and are open for almost everyone to embrace, regardless of background. Why waste a chance for people to spend a day trying to open their hearts to those they love? It shouldn’t matter whether one is solo or partnered, old or young — love is worth celebrating. We should show love all year long — but what’s the harm in having a day where we focus on it and cheer the fact that no matter how tough life gets, there is love around us, and it’s worth appreciating?
I can’t speak for everyone, but I discovered the meaning of life once I started focusing on love. Ironically, my career began on the wrong side of love, helping couples end their marriages. There was no joy in divorce, even when it was the right decision. When you see the pain that can come from love gone bad, it’s easy to become pessimistic. But when my own 23-year marriage ended in divorce, I realized that I didn’t want to live that way. I wanted more. I wanted joy. I wanted passion, intimacy and a connection that makes it just impossible to wipe the smile from your face. I realized it was possible. People around us every day have done it. They have beautiful, passionate long-term relationships. It’s true in their platonic relationships, too. Clearly, love is renewable. The more we give, the more we get.
I believed in this idea so deeply that I opened a shop that helps people learn how to love with hearts, minds and bodies. I knew I was making a difference when a client told me that she had always loved her husband, but now she “loves loving him.” That kind of intentional, mindful approach to love is what Valentine’s Day is all about.
Beth Liebling is a former board-certified family lawyer turned relationship coach, author and founder of Darling Way, a boutique in the Houston Heights.