Online dating experts are on the trail of love
You made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, even New Year’s — still single. You promised yourself (and your mother) that you would start online dating as a New Year’s resolution. And yet, here it is, Feb. 14, Valentine’s Day, and you’re still single.
Online dating? It’s the new (or not so new) normal. The Knot.com says, in 2017, 20
percent of brides met their grooms online. Maybe you’ve tried online dating before and your results were mediocre. I had. And this year I decided to get help, so I hired an online dating coach, Tera Stidum, 43, based in Houston.
Should one hop on Match.com today, Valentine’s Day? Fill out a profile and give it try? “Absolutely!” answered Stidum, author of “She Dates Savvy,” an online dating guide. You can also find her advice at SheDatesSavvy.com.
Stidum has been dabbling in online dating since her college days, when AOL came out with AOLLove. She was in college studying journalism and looking for love. She’s used online platforms intermittently since then. In 2015, following a failed relationship, Stidum made a profile on Match.com (for the last time) and found her future partner. “He just had something,” she said.
That something compelled her to send him a message. (Yes ladies she initiated contact.) He responded, and they have been happily married for three years. She then decided to write “She Dates Savvy,” because of her own online dating success. Her husband is her business partner and biggest supporter.
Stidum is hardly solo in the business. Google online dating experts and you’ll end up with a plethora of choices. If your online dating results are not yielding what you want, get help.
I started working with Stidum after a year of lackluster results on my own. We’ve been working together three weeks and although I have not had any dates, yet, the caliber of guys are better, and I’ve had a couple of promising phone calls.
Stidum’s clients think of her more as a life coach, not just dating. Her no-nonsense approach to rejections combined with her direct approach make her feel like a best friend.
How to navigate through all of this online dating data? First pick a platform. Stidum prefers Match.com (huge variety of prospects) and Bumble (the woman initiates contact). She also likes eharmony.com, although she says you are relying on the system to send you matches, not your own (and hers) clever search tactics. Remember, the platforms are making money from members, so they are more likely to want you to remain a member as long as possible.
As a coach, Stidum begins with a consultation call that she uses to determine if the client is ready for online dating. “If the client says in that call, ‘I really just want to get married and find my husband,’ then I tell them I’m not the coach for you,” she said. She knows she cannot promise those kind of results.
Then the profile. Creating a profile that expresses who you are can be tricky. After a quick assessment of my profile, Stidum advised to have photos that reveal who you are. Make sure to include one where you are smiling at the camera.
No photos of you with others if possible and definitely leave your children or grandkids out. It can be difficult to write about yourself in a flattering and honest way. Don’t be afraid to get help. “Some of my clients, I am on the phone with them when they fill out their profile,” she said. Her job includes helping them craft words that fit. She also talks to her clients about what to say, when to say it and how to initiate contact.
Next, the approach. An important aspect of Stidum’s services include training on the attributes of each platform. She has studied them and knows how to create searches that will yield the most men suited to her clients. “It’s a numbers game!” she chuckled heartily. She suggests her clients spend 30-60 minutes a day on the platform searching for their next partner.
As the dating moves along, the coaching does, too. Stidum mostly works with females age 50 and older. She values their life experiences and their willingness. “They say, ‘Tell me what to do.’ ”
But many women in that age group need some retraining. “You cannot create a profile and then sit there waiting for him to come to you. Uh, no way! That is total BS in this day and age,” Stidum said. “Look, you know what you want, now you have to move toward it.”
Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with a woman initiating contact. She explains that the messaging needs to move to a phone call and then a date.
Stidum provides her clients with ice breakers telling them what to say to create conversations. Use the information in his profile to message your interest in him. “Hey Mr. Online Profile, we both love the theater, what’s your favorite play?”
Once her clients have the date set up, Stidum is still there. She even approves the outfits selected for the first date.
The biggest misconception about online dating is that there is something wrong with you if you need to resort to it. Stidum said online dating is an efficient use of your time: “It makes sense! Look how many men are on there! You cannot go anywhere and meet that many men looking for a relationship anywhere else.”
Younger clients make the mistake of meeting a guy after just a couple of messages. Stidum has a process for the approach. She recommends no more than two weeks of messaging, and that should lead to a phone call or two. If you haven’t met him by then, a slight nudge is not out of order. “Hey, Mr. Online Profile, I’ve enjoyed chatting with you, how’d you feel about meeting for a coffee?” If he declines, you may want to move on.
As you begin sifting through profiles, you may come across scammers who prey upon women in the 50-plus range. “They will come on strong, with flowery flattery,” she said. The coach added to watch for any man that does not move toward a face-toface meeting, makes excuses about moving away from messaging or texting and asks to communicate on WhatsApp.
Don’t give potential dates your real phone number. Use a Google number — it’s free and easy to sign up.
Online dating will challenge you. But coaching can help you see things from a different perspective and remind you if your potential match talks about sex right away, move on!