IF IT BLEEDS ORANGE AND WHITE, IT LEADS
The further I find myself from the news industry, the more I have noticed the basic Houston news tropes.
No, I am not talking about tragic car accidents, smoke from Deer Park choking our skies, senseless shootings or even another big rig hitting an overpass and making you late to the office.
I am talking about the same set of stories that get repeated over and over again to great effect, i.e., clicks.
Sometimes all it takes is a few keywords to stop someone’s thumb from scrolling past. It’s every outlet in town that does this.
“Alleged drunk driver with Houston Rockets face tattoo falls asleep in Whataburger drivethru”
Well, I am sold. Where do I click?
“J.J. Watt posts photo on Instagram bathing in melted Blue Bell Ice Cream”
If it wasn’t Cookies ’n Cream I will be livid.
“Viral video shows two women fighting each other over the last Coke Icee at Katy Buc-ee’s”
How has this not happened yet?
Those are actually a few fake headlines generated by the Craig Hlavaty Houston News Headline Generator, all rights reserved.
Try as Houston might to be known as a world-class city for the arts, food and culture, we still love a good story about a bunch of our fellow Houstonians getting into a shoving match outside a Wal-Mart in the suburbs over a parking spot.
People love clicking on stories about another so-called “new Astroworld,” a new Blue Bell Ice Cream flavor or the Whataburger-versus-In-N-Out Burger Civil War, which, if we are not careful, might just one day turn bloody.
The straight dope here is that we’re giving these peeps free advertising. Every time Whataburger releases a Triple Bacon Ranch Cheese Explosion and we write about it or do a live report, we’re doing an ad agency’s work. Meanwhile, sometimes the news industry gets to highlight places such as Billy’s Donuts that actually do need help.
The small shop in Missouri City recently went viral for a tweet sent out by the son of the owner that attracted scores of people who wouldn’t know about it were it not for some big-hearted Houstonians looking to patronize a small business just starting out.
These are the kind of places that need help. Places without a dedicated ad agency or socialmedia team.
It’s fun to be the bearer of great, nostalgic and sometimes fattening good news. We live in a scary world these days, and it’s only made scarier by the constant chaotic mortar fire that is the current news cycle. Who wouldn’t rather read a few words about taco trucks or kids meeting their heroes than distressing firefighter layoffs and shady cop shenanigans?
I am not here to decide what is or isn’t news. The important thing is to remember to eat your veggies or, in this case, follow trusted news sources.
The Basic Houston News Stories I See on a Weekly Basis
1. Anything related to Whataburger
“Whataburger exists, click to learn more …” was a common joke I had among friends in the business. A new burger, a new location or some old man celebrating his 90th birthday there is bound to attract some eyes. A crime committed at or near a Whataburger location is always catnip for readers, too. Aren’t you more likely to read about a sad situation at or near a Whataburger than anywhere else? Don’t you want to know what the suspect or suspects ordered? Did they really turn down Whatasizing their fries? If it’s orange and white it leads the site.
2. You can buy something
with Selena’s face on it
It seems once a month there is something new to buy or line up to buy with the late Selena Quintanilla’s face or name on it. I’ve seen soda cups, shopping bags and makeup collections sell out within minutes.
3. Someone got something stolen from them and they want it back and they are sad
These are particularly vexing because for every story about some poor disabled kid getting his or her wheelchair stolen out of the family van, there is another story about a guy misplacing his Houston Astros tickets or a lucky hat going missing.
4. Transplant reporter experiences Houston cultural touchstone for the first time
The Astrodome, craft beer, cowboy boots, Tex-Mex, traffic, swangas, hip-hop, street art, potholes, the Heights, Montrose, Galveston. Did I miss anything? 5. Traffic is horrible and will probably just get worse
Oh, look, someone calculated how much time we spend in traffic each day, as if we needed a reminder that the “gas, brake, honk” routine is slowly robbing us of our time here on Earth with our loved ones. The comments below these stories almost always blame Newstonians (Houstorian speak for transplants) or lowintellect drivers. Hint: Almost always it’s the people complaining about bad drivers who are, in fact, the worst drivers. 6. Here’s a fight in a public place to gawk at
Now don’t get me wrong, seeing two people fighting in a viral video during the rodeo can be mighty entertaining, especially if it is shot horizontally and not vertically, but does it really need to be a news story? It always helps online traffic if said fight occurred at a concert by a bigname performer. People have always been ugly; now we just found a better way to profit from it.
7. A new, vaguely worded study is here to make you second-guess all that you hold dear
I never quite understood or cared how maps of the favorite candies, firearms or sexual positions in each state were tabulated, but the return on investment was always ideal. It’s always good enough to start a conversation.
8. Houston stress levels are too high: More at 10!
The solution? Houston’s favorite comfort-food places! Where you can go in Houston to relax! Here’s how Houstonians chilled out in the ’60s! If you need a vague study to tell you that you are stressed …
9. Houston is somehow not at the top of this shameful list we found
Remember those heady days when Houston was named the fattest city in the land and we all grimaced? I miss those days when we topped horrid lists like that. These days it’s all positive, like, “Houston is a great place to move,” “Houston is secretly cool lol” or, “There is only a 30 percent chance your car windows will be broken after dark in downtown Houston.”
10. “Only in Houston!”
This is usually pertaining to something occurring near the “BE SOMEONE” sign (an evergreen gimme), a car having ostentatious swangas, something related to tacos or a local man creating a 289-pound sculpture of J.J. Watt out of brisket fat. I made the last one up, but give it some time.
11. Old Houston stuff that will make you smile and click a lot
If writing about Houston nostalgia was a crime, I would be on death row in Huntsville. Nothing makes some Houstonians happier than seeing old photos of stuff they barely remember from their adolescence. You know that little reflex test that doctors do with the rubber mallet to make your knees work? Sort of like that but with video of the Greezed Lightnin’ in action. The thirst for nostalgia only grows stronger when for some our present is only getting worse. While we are here, let’s address the use of the word “iconic.” Is the sex shop next to the Galleria really iconic? Is the original Frenchy’s Chicken location really in league with the Golden Gate Bridge, the Statue of Liberty and the Kremlin? We love using “iconic when something less regal would suffice.
12. Damn, (Houston) nature, you scary
A guy found an alligator in his garage! Someone’s Ring homesecurity camera captured an animal vaguely looking like a coyote walking past their home in The Woodlands. What if there was a snake in your toilet and you sat down and it bit you? Remember it’s their world, too, and we are sharing it with them.
13. Houston’s Reddit board uncovered something that the rest of us didn’t
TL;DR (internet speak for “too long; didn’t read”)
14. J.J. Watt did ... something
There is no denying he is Houston’s reigning Superman and he will one day be elected prime minister of the United Regions of the Texas in 2045 after World War IV shakes out, but when J.J. tweets about breakfast cereal, does it call for the “breaking news” banner?
15. Here’s something that you can’t afford
When you are low on dough or struggling to make ends meet like many of us, there is nothing quite as nice as reading about things you could never afford, be it a presidential suite at a hotel or a steak that costs as much as your mortgage payment. It’s the new window shopping.