FEELING MATTERS
Tips for communicating when emotions are running high.
Communicating compassionately when stakes are high and emotions are strong is more than just a nice thing to do. It feels better than bashing heads, and it’s solution oriented.
This is always important to remember, and it feels especially critical right now. With the economy starting to reopen, every household must decide how much to reopen as well. If you and your housemates aren’t on the same page, you’ll need a way to settle your differences.
So, here are a few strategies for handling disagreements in a positive and healthy way, courtesy of Karen Starz, president of Houston Nonviolent Communication.
1. Think about your communication in terms of the four components: observations, feelings, needs and requests.
Say you want to eat out in a socially distanced restaurant and your spouse is firmly set in the isolation camp. This could easily become a passive-aggressive, or even combative exchange.
A lot of us don’t know how to excavate our own feelings and needs, never mind articulate them. But Starz says that healthy communication begins with internal tuning-in. She says that beneath our judgments are unmet needs, and once we’re able to identify our underlying feelings and needs, doors open. Communicating in these terms paves the way for empathy.
“Once you receive empathy, your whole system relaxes. That’s when people can be resourceful and come up with more creative strategies,” she says.
The process starts with a nonjudgmental observation. Then “I feel [insert emotion].” Next, a clear expression of what we need. Lastly, when applicable, a doable request.
Applying this system to the example above might look something like this:
“Restaurants are open again; I feel anxious being at home all the time; I need to have some space and freedom.”
Or, stemming from the same observation, “I feel scared to be out in public; I need a sense of safety and protection for my family.”
In an ideal disagreement, one party would fully exhaust his or her feelings and needs while the other actively listens. Then, switch. At any point, a solution or common ground might arise, but the process itself is healing.
2. Listen for feelings and needs.
This tends to involve trial and error. Feelings and needs often aren’t explicit, and sometimes they hide behind rough language, thoughts and hefty judgments. When that’s the case, our aim is to step back, listen through that potential bait and make an educated guess.
Say, for example, you don’t want to wear a mask in public and a friend says
“it’s selfish and stupid to leave your house without one.”
Instead of letting that trigger defensiveness and resentment, prod the friend to see what’s there:
You: “Are you afraid the virus is going to get worse?”
Friend: “Yes, I’m afraid! My husband has asthma and I’m terrified of him getting this thing!”
You: “You’re scared he wouldn’t make it?”
Friend: “Terrified! Not to mention that I have no idea how we’d handle one of us getting sick. One of us isolating while the other hopes to stay healthy and cares for two babies alone is a nightmare.”
You: “Are you overwhelmed with the kids?”
This could go on for a while. It’s a dance, where we listen for feelings and needs and give the speaker a safe space to unload. We keep going back and forth, letting them confirm our suggestions or point us in another direction. Then, once they’ve gotten it all out, we say our piece.
The process has a way of relieving tension and producing openness and understanding. A discussion like this one is much more likely to end with a concession, compromise or new creative solution.
A troubleshooting note here: Starz says when we struggle with empathetic listening, sometimes we need to go through this process within ourselves first to witness our own feelings and needs. In these moments, it can help to take a timeout or even stop the other person to call attention to our pain.
3. Be mindful of requests.
Starz says if we get upset when someone says “no” to a request, then we were making a demand. We need to meet a “no” without being reactive, while also allowing for other possibilities based on the information the process uncovers.
Referring to our original example, if someone turns down a request to eat out, a response using this methodology might be:
“I hear you’re feeling scared and would like a little more protection. What if we eat on a patio or get takeout and have a picnic?”
This style of compassionate connection is, again, all about feelings and needs.
Communicating in this way is an art. It’s contrary to what a lot of us learned by default, but I think it’s beautiful and well worth getting to know.
For more information, Houston Nonviolent Communication has workshops, videos and resources on its website, at houstonnvc.org. I also recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s mega bestselling book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.”