Coping with loneliness
The pandemic has tripled the number of people who say they’re feeling isolated
Before the pandemic, Amy Ward worked at a retirement facility 16 hours a day, seven days a week. Now, it’s slowed to a more regular 9-5 schedule.
The energy that went into all those hours with her residents crashed when she took off her first weekend in months. But she couldn’t go anywhere. Everything was shut down, including her social life.
Rather than feeling rested, she felt bored. Alone. Every emotion she felt — happiness, sadness, frustration, anger — resulted in quiet tears by herself in her office or her apartment.
Ward, 40, lives alone and has since college. She considers herself a mixture of an introvert and an extrovert because she loves spending time with her friends but also relishes her time alone to recharge.
“I have never been this bored in my life,” she said. “At first, I needed that downtime because I was pouring every ounce of energy and passion into making sure everything was OK at work. I wasn’t taking care of Amy. But I’m not used to sitting at home and watching TV all the time.”
Before social distancing, about 1 in 5 Americans struggled with feelings of loneliness. Now, the number has tripled, according to a soon-tobe-released online survey of 1,043 people conducted by California-based Women’s Health Interactive. According to the survey, millennials feel the loneliest; baby boomers feel the least lonely; and women are lonelier than men. Those living with children saw the largest increase in loneliness.
And while Texas has reopened in phases after locking down in March, Ward hesitates to go back out in public so soon. Her job as senior director of operations at the retirement community puts her close to those who are most vulnerable to COVID-19, and her need to be with people does not warrant the risk of infecting others, she said.
“I miss touch, it’s one of my biggest love languages,” Ward said. “I’m a hugger, too. I hug all my friends when I see them, and now I’m not doing any of that.”
Chris Fernandez, CEO of the Women’s Health Interactive, wondered whether the pandemic would exacerbate the already-existing problem of widespread loneliness.
Before social-distancing protocols, 29 percent of survey respondents who live alone reported struggling with feelings of loneliness. During the pandemic, that number grew to 68 percent of people who live alone. Though baby boomers and Generation X respondents experienced the largest increase in loneliness during the pandemic, they still feel less lonely overall compared to millennials, Fernandez said.
Both introverts and extroverts who responded said they felt somewhat or much lonelier during the pandemic. But it’s important to look at more than the obvious difference between the two populations, said Jessica Rohr, staff psychologist at Houston’s Menninger Clinic and assistant professor chair at Baylor College of Medicine.
For introverts, there may have been an immediate feeling of relief when shelter-inplace orders began, Rohr explained, almost like the person feels “off the hook” for regularly scheduled socialization.
“But the truth is that we need people,” she said. “Some need fewer, some need more.”Americans feel more disconnected compared to other societies, she said. In the U.S., there’s an emphasis placed on independence, individuality and a desire to appear strong; this way of thinking can often lead to isolation.
Practicing self-compassion and patience is the best thing anyone can do right now, Rohr said. If you’re sad, you can and should cry if it comes naturally. If you feel lonely, it’s likely because you’re cut off from normal social activities, not because you’re weak or you did something wrong, she said.
“We are really kind of socialized and we train ourselves to say we’re fine — it’s a normal response,” Rohr said. “What we’re going through right now is not done, and we don’t know when it will be done. As humans, we really like patterns and having a box to put things away in. But no one knows what will happen.”
Ruth Steinfeld, 87, has lived in isolation before.
She became an orphan at age 7 during World War II. While hiding in various French orphanages, she was told to change her name and to never reveal that she was Jewish.
“I’m a Holocaust survivor; I lost my family and I had to be hidden,” Steinfeld said. “I became Catholic. I’ve lived in isolation a lot in my life, but this is definitely different.”
She came the U.S. at age 13 and settled in Houston two years later. After decades of marriage, Steinfeld’s husband died in 2015. Her sister died 12 years ago, which is still hard for her to bear.
Steinfeld considers herself lucky because she has a computer, does meditation and takes daily walks around her high-rise apartment building.
But she’s alone, and her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren can’t visit in person for risk of infection.
“They come by and I get to wave at them, and they get to say ‘Hi Mimi,’ ” she said of her family’s regular drive-by visits to her high-rise building. “That lasts me a good 24 hours of good feelings.”
Steinfeld’s doctor, Carmel Dyer, said many of her patients have begun opening up about their feelings of loneliness and depression, which is not typical of many older Americans.
That population, in particular, does not readily express personal thoughts or feelings, said Dyer, a geriatrician whose entire practice is made up of people 65 and older.
“One person told me that they miss their grandchildren, and she started to cry,” Dyer said. “Some are just depressed in general because of the uncertainty.”
Typically suffering in silence, senior citizens are prone to feelings of depression or loneliness but are headstrong in their resilience, Dyer said. They are much less likely to go to therapy, even if they acknowledge it will help them.
When talking with patients, Dyer often points out how much they have lived through and asks them to share what they learned during those difficult times. By having patients draw on past experiences, Dyer said they can remember how they coped and find new ways to do it now.
Dyer recommends that everyone — especially seniors — try to keep a normal routine. Wake up, put on fresh clothes, make the bed, eat breakfast, go for a walk and call friends and family to catch up.
Steinfeld doesn’t share too much of her feelings of isolation with her family.
“I don’t want them to feel bad, so I keep it to myself,” she said. “For me, I feel that the isolation is part of what this virus has done to us. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope that things will go back to the way they used to be, when we can run around and enjoy each other.”