Polite ways to say ‘no’ to socializing in pandemic
We’ve all had that one invitation to go to a birthday party in our texts and emails, right? The one that reads something like, “come get away from how boring quarantine is, let’s drink at my place” or “we’re having a small birthday get-together for (name here) during these trying times”?
Saying “no” is easier when you have other obligations. But how do you say no to an invitation without sounding rude or trampling on someone’s else feelings by saying that you don’t want to hang out, whether it’s in-person or virtually?
Houston How To asked three Texas etiquette experts to weigh in on what to say and do when you’re caught in a social situation you can’t figure out.
Q: How do I explain that I’m not comfortable going to a baby shower/wedding/ bachelorette/birthday party?
A: Let’s get a few things out of the way. There is still a mask mandate in Harris County through at least Aug. 26. Unpublished White House documents suggest that Texas should limit social gatherings to 10 people or fewer. Indeed, a contagious virus that scientists are still studying and don’t have a vaccine for yet is still spreading throughout the country.
Those aren’t hard and fast laws that would stop people, apparently, from hosting midsized weddings or lavish dinners. But public health guidelines make many think twice about
attending any sort of gathering.
“No excuses necessary,” said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert based in San Antonio who runs The Protocol School of Texas.
Gottsman recommended sticking with the truth and sharing the bare minimum in your polite decline. A good boilerplate is to say “Thanks so much for the invite,” leading with the positive to appeal to your host, and follow with “I can’t this time, but it sounds like a lot of fun.”
Q: What do I do if they call me out on not doing anything anyway?
A: Your honesty should speak for itself, said James Martin II, a professional development coach who runs J. Dorthen Martin Consulting.
“No one wants to feel like you don’t want to be around them, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings,” Martin said. “This is the perfect time to be more honest because lives are at stake.”
It might feel hard to be honest at first, said Toni Dupree, who owns Dupree Academy, an etiquette school in Houston. But it’s important to be upfront about not being comfortable, rather than lying that you have another engagement. And don’t think about ghosting the person who invited you, either.
“Do a text and tell them,” Dupree said. “That way they don’t feel slighted because you just didn’t show up.”
Also, reconsider why you’re friends with them if they needle you on not wanting to hang out. (Rethink whether you want to be friends with someone who says “true friends” will hang out with you even in the worst of times. They’re probably not a good friend. Sorry, not sorry.)
Q: Is there a good way to ask where someone’s been and who they’ve hung out with?
A: So maybe you’re comfortable with a very small gathering, such as a porch happy hour. But you still want to take precautions and ask who your friend or family member has recently seen.
Start small, and with general questions that are easy to answer such as “are you abiding by the mask mandate?” Then, you can slowly segue the conversation to who they’ve seen in the last two weeks. The point is to not accuse people of wrongdoing, but rather, frame the situation as taking public health precautions.
And people should feel like they can ask without fear of ostracization, experts said.
Martin said he will bring up who else is in his household — he lives with his wife and two children — as a reason to bow out of parties, if someone has seen too many people or if the other party isn’t wearing their mask. If he catches COVID-19 at a social gathering and brings it home, he worries it’ll spread to his family members. People have always respected that explanation, he said.
Q: Should I remind someone to wear a mask?
A: The big headline this week has been about a 17-year-old theme park worker in Pennsylvania who was attacked after asking two guests to wear a mask. Gottsman, Martin and Dupree agreed unanimously that they would not approach someone who does not have a mask on and ask them to wear one.
“What I will do is move if the person doesn’t have a mask on,” Dupree said.
If it’s dire, and you’re at a business where patrons are required to wear masks, Gottsman said you could try and find a security guard or manager who can speak to the individual for you, but keep in mind before you do that what happened to that theme park worker and others before you well, pull a Karen (the catch-all term for rude, obnoxious, entitled and angry people who want to “speak to the manager.”)
And if it’s important to you to ensure that person wears a mask, ask in a positive tone if they could wear a mask and mention that you’re uncomfortable, according to the etiquette experts. But really weigh if you can do anything else first to avoid being in their personal space.
“Some people become physical and really aggressive, or get loud,” Gottsman said. “So if they’re not in your direct way, don’t get out of your lane.”
If you’re a retail worker tasked with asking someone to wear a mask, politeness goes a long way, she said. Remind them that the county’s mandate is to wear a mask and offer one if your business still has a supply. If they escalate, grab a manager who can reinforce that.
Q: How do I tell my partner/family/roommates that I’m not comfortable with them traveling/having people over?
A: That’s rough, right? On one hand, in normal times, you wouldn’t restrict who they see. But then again, these aren’t normal times.
Sit down and set expectations for what each of you are comfortable doing, and why you feel that way. Maybe you don’t want them to see other people because you have an underlying condition that could exacerbate the symptoms of COVID-19.
“I feel like it’s my responsibility to still tell them to make sure that they’re careful and take proper precautions,” Martin said.
With roommates and family there’s the understanding of basic respect that should allow people to come to a compromise. And again, honesty is the best policy.
Q: What’s the best etiquette for Zoom gatherings?
A: Not everyone wants to enjoy a beer over Zoom, or catch up on hourslong phone calls. (In a recent work meeting, we debated the merits of a Zoom happy hour. The consensus: Drinking alone in front of a computer, no matter how many people are in the meeting, still feels sad.)
You’re not obligated to participate in an online party even if you’re free. Similar to passing on an IRL gathering, you can share just the bare minimum and say you’ll catch them at the next one.
But if you’re going to do that, make an effort to actually attend a virtual party online the next time it comes around.
“You might pop in at some point, just to show you’re still there and you want to be part of the group,” Gottsman said. “Because long distance or face-toface, it takes effort to maintain relationships.”
If you plan to leave a Zoom gathering early, Dupree said you should take advantage of the technology and say your early goodbye in the chat, where you won’t interrupt someone midconversation. If you know in advance you have to cut out before the end, let the host know beforehand.