Thumbs up, down
GameStopping the system; PETA weighs in; Harris County gets new voting machines.
It was a topsy-turvy week for Wall Street as some determined rabble-rousers on Reddit decided to punk the financial elites through the power of collectivism, putting their muscle — and, more importantly, their money — behind flagging stocks, particularly that of North Texasbased video game retailer GameStop. We’re still holding on to our RadioShack stock, so don’t expect us to explain what short selling is, or how predatory hedge funds that bet against these ailing companies were forced into a “short squeeze” that left them reeling while some small investors made out big. What we can tell you is that, according to MySA.com, one San Antonio 10-year-old turned what had been a $60 Kwanzaa gift in 2019 into more than $3,000 Wednesday. We knew you didn’t need an MBA to make money in the stock market, but with the advent of smartphone-based trading apps, apparently elementary school will do.
Maybe. By Thursday, many popular trading platforms had blocked retail investors from buying the volatile stocks. Some trading resumed Friday but not before the stoppage invoked the ire of some lawmakers, including U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.T., who said she would support a congressional hearing into the matter. AOC’s call found support from longtime Twitter frenemy U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz, but the congresswoman was having none of it. “I am happy to work with Republicans on this issue where there’s common ground,” she responded, “but you almost had me murdered 3 weeks ago so you can sit this one out.” Thumbs is just going to have to conclude AOC’s not aboard Joe Biden’s Unity Express, not yet anyway. We’re also assuming she was referring to the riot at the U.S. Capitol, and not one of those “I’m the Zodiac killer” gags that the Texas senator enjoys. Apparently Cruz has lots of work to do to rebuild the bridges he burned by mounting his phony protest of the November election as extremists were plotting their coup. Having said that, it’s time for our annual “Ted Cruz is right” thumbs up, which we are getting out of the way early because, you know, insurrection. Responding to a tweet by PETA, which said that “calling someone an animal as an insult reinforces the myth that humans are superior,” our junior senator politely disagreed. “This is bull$#&!” he wrote, no doubt thinking, “see what I did there?” While we concur that human supremacist language is problematic, we selfishly ask that you don’t take away from us animal epithets such as “chicken,” “snake” and “weasel.” How else are we going to colorfully describe politicians who, say, cowardly failed to confront a would-be tyrant, cynically fed a false narrative that got people killed and are now trying to act like nothing happened? We’re glad we agree on this one, Ted.
Former Texas Democratic Congressman Beto O’Rourke, who was busy as a bee last year campaigning for Joe Biden, told KLAQ radio host Buzz Adams that he may run for governor next year. “You know what, it’s something I’m going to think about,” he said. We know that O’Rourke is still politically hungry as a wolf, so there’s no need to be as slippery as an eel. He should come out and say it. Sorry, we don’t mean to badger him, after all, we know he’s stubborn as a mule and declined to heed our 2019 advice that his presidential bid was dead as a dodo and he should run instead for the U.S. Senate, but now that he’s put it out there, you would have to be blind as a bat not to see that a run for Texas governor makes sense. PETA was unavailable for comment.
If O’Rourke does end up running in 2022, his supporters in Harris County will be happy to know they will be casting their ballots on new voting technology. Commissioners Court unanimously approved a $54 million deal to replace the current machines with ones producing a paper trail and featuring touch screens, welcome news to every voter who knows the frustration of poking at a screen multiple times before remembering you were supposed to use the rotary wheel to choose candidates. The difference won’t be as drastic as going from rotary to touchtone or to another example that makes us feel old, but it’s great to see the county joining the 21st century.