Thumbs up, down

We almost feel sorry for Cruz; Abbott doesn’t want to play ball; Astros face the music.

Sometimes we almost feel bad for U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz and how no one seems to like him, but then we listen to him talk about “lawless chaos” on our border or see him trying to have it both ways when the Cougars took on Baylor (“Either way Texas wins!”) and we come to our senses. Our latest bout of soft-hearted pity came last week when Politico featured an excerpt from former GOP House Speaker John Boehner’s upcoming book. “There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless a--hole who thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Senator Ted Cruz,” he wrote. Ouch. To add insult to insult, a leaked clip of the audio version of the book resurfaced, with Boehner departing from the text and telling Texas’ junior senator where to go, expertly using the f-word as a verb. Cruz responded via Twitter with a “Why are you so obsessed with me” gif from the movie “Mean Girls,” which had the unmistakable whiff of someone playing it cool seconds before they go cry in the bathroom. Which, come to think of it, Boehner was awfully famous for that himself before he started spewing potty-mouthed commentary from the bleachers.

The Astros have been nearly as easy to jeer ever since the sign-sealing scandal, but as the season got underway last week they proved that while sticks and stones (and a stray pitch or two) may break your bones, a song can never hurt you. The team opened with a four-game series in California against the Oakland A’s. The first game was expertly summarized in the Chron.com headline “A’s get standing ovation for hitting two Astros batters, still lose.” During the next two encounters, the A’s played Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” and Ace of Base’s “The Sign” during the starting lineup in a bid to get under the Astros’ skin. Not only didn’t it work — Houston swept Oakland — it wasn’t even original. Last season, the Atlanta Braves also blasted “The Sign” while the Astros warmed up. In a show of magnanimity, may we suggest Amy Winehouse’s “Between the Cheats” for the seventh-inning stretch, next time. You’re welcome, losers.

As far as opening home games go, it could have been worse. After all, California’s governor didn’t decline to throw out the first pitch because he was boycotting MLB over its support of voting rights — that’s Gov. Greg Abbott’s job. “Major League Baseball adopted what has turned out to be a false narrative about the election law reforms in Georgia, and, based on that false narrative, moved the MLB All-Star game from Atlanta,” Abbott wrote in a letter to the Texas Rangers explaining why he was skipping the honor. The hissy fit is part of a growing spat between Republican leaders and corporations upset over GOP-backed voting restriction efforts — most of which hit minorities hardest — in several states. You know voter suppression is serious when Abbott refuses to play ball with business interests.

State leaders are so upset at how everyone is rightly calling out their proposed “election integrity” measures for what they are, that they’re eager to fan flames and hope the smoke provides cover. In a blistering attack Tuesday, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick went after American Airlines, the media and Democratic leaders in Houston, calling them a “nest of liars” over criticism of Senate Bill 7, which includes several provisions that target Harris County’s efforts to make voting easier. Patrick almost gave away the game, though, when he harrumphed at the county’s temerity. “I have news for Harris County, you’re not the capital of Texas,” he said. Based on how state leaders treat Austin — threatening to take over its police force and whatnot — it’s not at all clear he considers the actual capital city the capital, either. Our guess is if you press Patrick even a tiny bit, he’d do his best Louis XIV and confirms his imperialism (“l'état, c'est moi, y’all”). That would explain a lot about his problems with democracy.

False allegations of voter fraud were part of what spurred the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol, which has now led to more than 300 people facing federal charges. According to the Associated Press, at least one Dallas man made it easier for authorities when they made the collar, wearing a T-shirt that read “Take America Back” and “I Was There, Washington D.C., January 6, 2021.” Oh, boy. You probably can’t hang a criminal case on a clothing confession but it’s still sad when common sense falls out of fashion.

We didn’t see any during the storming of the Capitol, but apparently a good sartorial choice for rioters would have been a T-shirt that read “I’m With Racist” — or maybe a “Fear of a Black Planet” tour hoodie. According to a study by a University of Chicago professor and the Chicago Project on Security and Threats, if there was a common denominator among the would-be insurrectionists, it was that they “typically hail from places where non-white populations are growing fastest.” Anxiety? Fear of change? Lack of coping skills? It’s clear now these folks didn’t need Donald Trump, they needed Dr. Phil.