THE 10 TOXIC CHARACTER TYPES

How can anyone possibly eat meat? Why are cars even allowed in the city center? What kind of person lets their kids watch Netflix? The “preacher” or easy moralizer has clear principles. Everything is black and white, and there are no shades of gray in between: People are good or bad. Easy moralizers are quick to judge; they see themselves as moral authorities and they can be quite eloquent in communicating their outrage. They don’t like to see other people enjoying life and condemn those who do: “I like to get up early. I don’t laze around in bed like you!” But you will often discover that these people have secret faults of their own. They might be aggressive to their employees or unpleasant to their spouse, and they may have a secret vice or even lead a secret life.

As children, the easy moralizers were often made to feel guilty about their desires for pleasure. Their parents may have punished them whenever they tried to express such impulses. That resulted in feelings of selfloathing, and they are envious of people who are less repressed than they are. As adults they lack nuance: They see people as being either good or evil with nothing in between. In a sense, they are at war with human nature itself, unable to accept that we are less-than-perfect beings. This brand of “morality” requires no effort or sacrifice on the part of easy moralizers. They will thrive in a culture of unthinking, uncritical moralism. Avoid such people. If you allow yourself to get too close to them, you will become their target. When you perceive this lack of empathy in a person, keep your distance. Easy moralizers are fundamentalists at heart and will never be dissuaded from their beliefs.

They always hold the door open for you, nod their head at whatever you’re saying, and remarkably, always seem to have the same opinion you do. That is, until you get to know them better. The shift is subtle. Perhaps they fail to keep a promise or fall down a bit on the job. However soon you suspect they are talking behind your back and trying to sabotage you. These people aren’t being “nice” because of the affection they feel for their fellow human beings; it’s merely a defense mechanism. Their motto: Keep your head down and don’t get caught. When they say something unpleasant about someone else, it’s always to a third person. Pleasers will often prove themselves to be incessant gossips, seeking to play off one person against another.

Pleasers may have had very harsh parents who criticized everything they did. Being pleasant proved to be a good strategy for deflecting all the criticism. Their passiveaggressive behavior might not be evident at first. Pleasers are excellent liars and highly skilled saboteurs when it comes to seeking personal advantage. If you realize you are dealing with a pleaser, reveal as little about yourself as possible. Be friendly but maintain a healthy personal distance. Make yourself the smallest possible target for their aggression. Another good strategy is to imitate their pleasant behavior, which makes you more difficult to attack.

Type 3:

Your new partner seems perfect: bringing you coffee in bed in the morning, helping with your taxes in the evening, renovating your parents’ house during the weekend. The savior has clearly improved your life. But the help keeps coming only as long as you keep accepting it. If you try to assert your independence and do something on your own, you’re headed for trouble. These toxic characters draw their energy from the dependence of their victims and the control they exercise over them. But the moment a victim tries to break free, saviors reveal the

dark, obsessive, possessive side of their personality. That can turn a helpful savior into a vengeful stalker.

As children, saviors may have often found themselves playing the role of a caregiver to a parent or sibling. Perhaps the savior’s mother had made her personal needs the main concern of the family. Some saviors will compensate for the lack of care they received as a child by relishing the feeling of power that providing care gives them. Question the motives of any person who’s trying to be your caregiver or savior. If you sense a need to control you, avoid them. You should strive to be self-reliant and let saviors save themselves. But if the person allows you to stand on your own two feet, he or she is probably truly noble.

Type 5:

Relentless rebels can seem to be exciting, attractive, and interesting when you first get to know them. They despise authority and love the underdog, making that abundantly clear to everybody in their circle of family, friends, and workmates. They hate all rules and precedents and consider conventional behavior to be something for the weak. They do not tolerate criticism, which they see as an effort to make them conform. Their sense of humor is often biting and they may turn it against you. Don’t take it personally. It is part of their strategy to deflate everyone around them.

As you become better acquainted with relentless rebels, you will realize that they just can’t help themselves: Their behavior stems not from a higher moral authority but simply from their need to feel superior. They were likely disappointed in childhood by a parent or a father figure of some kind, and that has made them question criticism from any authority. If you go against them, they’ll consider you to be the “oppressor” and make you the object of their mordant humor. Pay attention to their past history. You will probably discover that they have frequently parted ways with people under rather unpleasant circumstances. Do not be seduced by their rebellious pose. Avoid them, if possible, and if you can’t, try to keep the relationship on neutral ground. Do not become involved in discussions or arguments; your counterarguments will be of no avail, as reasonable and correct as they may be. This toxic character type will do everything possible to make you lose your cool. Silence is the best policy. If you have to respond, nod or shake your head and breathe deeply to remain calm. With a bit of luck, that will disarm the rebel.

Drama magnets will endeavor to get you emotionally involved, whatever it takes. They’ll attempt to embroil you in the drama and make you feel guilty if you don’t listen to the bitter end. It’s crucial to recognize drama magnets early on and avoid them. If you suspect you might be dealing with such a toxic individual who pulls you into a vortex of negativity, head for the hills. often indulged their whims and protected them from the outside world. Perhaps they solicited this behavior by acting helpless. In any case, the pampering they experienced makes their childhood seem like paradise lost, and they’ll always seek to re-create it. Whenever they fail to get what they want, they are likely to revert to childish behavior such as pouting and throwing tantrums.

You’ll find a relationship with a pampered prince or princess extremely maddening unless you yourself feel a deep need to pamper another person. The relationship will always be on their terms. Those with this toxic character trait are not really equipped for adult life. If they are unable to manipulate another person to pamper them, they may turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort. Ask yourself whether you feel guilty for refusing to help them. If you do, then they have their hooks in you, and you should start paying more attention to your own well-being and refuse to be used.

As workmates they are often intelligent, considerate, and cooperative. But what you gradually discover is that they are mainly sensitive to their own needs. They’ll take everything that is done or said personally, and often brood over something long after everyone else has forgotten it. As children they often felt their parents didn’t give them enough; as adults they still recall the things they never got. They may expect others to give them things they didn’t even ask for. Are you paying enough attention to them, and giving them sufficient respect? Sooner or later, they’ll feel perpetually disappointed.

There’s no point in attempting to satisfy a personalizer’s desire for recognition. You’ll always fail. Gradually you will discover the personalizer has a long history of falling out with others, and it was always the other person’s fault. Be careful not to insult a personalizer. They have a long memory and may spend years trying to repay you for the perceived slight. As with the other toxic character types, the best strategy is early recognition and avoidance. If you hang around them long enough, you are bound to feel guilty about something.