Healthy Relationships

February may be the month of love and romance, but it takes much more than romantic emotions for a healthy relationship to survive and thrive.

“A relationship takes having balance, whether it’s with friends or boyfriend or girlfriend,” said Dalia Pesqueira, program supervisor with the Youth And Young Adult program at Imperial County Behavioral Health Services. “It takes mutual understanding that comes from commitment. It takes trust and being able to commit.” She described balance as having mutual respect and appropriate boundaries, being able to show and receive affection.

“Mutual understanding and respect are some of the main challenges for youths and young adults,” Pesqueira said.

“It takes a lot of trust,” said Maricruz Bermudez, supervising therapist with YAYA. “Can they relate to the person in a way that is not going to harm them? It takes open communication. Respect each other’s opinions. Sometimes one might go along because of lack of self-esteem. People in general want to be accepted, but first they have to accept themselves.”

Communication, respect, trust, honesty, equality, personal space, all are among signs of a healthy partnership, according to Pesqueira and Bermudez, who also referred to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The hotline notes that, “All relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive, with unhealthy somewhere in the middle.”

Teens in particular may need help identifying an unhealthy relationship.

Some of the symptoms can be, “When you notice loss of respect, like name-calling, cursing, verbal aggression or abuse,” Pesqueira said. They include one partner being possessive and making all the decisions, over-controlling who to see, how to talk, how to dress, she added.

When a relationship seems to be floundering, “It’s important to note that if both are willing to work on the relationship, commitment is essential. Be honest about how they feel, say they don’t like the verbal abuse. Express and understand it’s important to get respect back,” she said. “If they’re having difficulties with each other, get into some sort of therapy or find a good role model for help or guidance.”

“Unhealthy relationships can start early and last a lifetime,” notes the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on the Teen Dating Violence section of its website, which further states, “Teens often think some behaviors, like teasing and name-calling, are a ‘normal’ part of a relationship. However, these behaviors can become abusive and develop into more serious forms of violence.”

Ask, “Is the person I’m with trying to control the relationship?”, said Bermudez. “Do they have a lot of insecurities, are following the other person, are too controlling, have issues of trust, jealousy? These are huge red flags that this isn’t a healthy relationship.

Without addressing these issues, the relationship can quickly deteriorate into an abusive and potentially violent one.

The CDC website, https://www.cdc.gov/ violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/ teen_dating_violence.html, defines teen dating violence as “the physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional violence within a dating relationship, including stalking. It can occur in person or electronically and might occur between a current or former dating partner.”

For the other partner, Pesqueira said, signs can develop of depression, alcohol or drug abuse, irritability, anxiety, loss of sleep, harming behaviors like cutting or suicidal thoughts.

“If these start to impair their lives – family, school or work, if they are working, then they need to create barriers. We help our clients (in these situations) learn to develop some type of safety plan, to be able to escape the relationship. It can be hard sometimes to leave, and it can be risky, but they need to develop a safety plan.”

Added Bermudez, “Sometimes unhealthy behavior comes from a cycle of learned behavior. They don’t see this as abuse because that’s how they grew up.”

When individuals turn to Behavioral Health Services for help navigating an abusive relationship or past relationship, “First we make sure they’re stabilized, able to function in differing areas,” said Bermudez. “We work a lot with cognitive restructuring, healthy relationships, self-esteem, and the core beliefs that influence self-esteem.”

To help the consumer move beyond the trauma of a failed relationship, Bermudez said she asks, “This is one relationship you’ve had. What did you learn from this?”

“It’s a learning stepping stone,” she said. “You fall. You get up. What did you learn?”