Where is Shirley Jones when we need her?

Perhaps you know this story: A fellow named Harold Hill shows up in a town called River City, Iowa, and promises the townsfolk he can help their sons avoid a path to sin and degradation inspired by the local pool hall if they’ll invest in starting a boys’ band.

“Well, ya got trouble, my friend, right here, I say trouble right here in River City,” Professor Hill says.

Within minutes, he has most of the town under his sway and well on the way to forking over serious money for instruments and uniforms he never intends to deliver.

He might have gotten away with it, too, had he not fallen in love with Shirley Jones — or, more precisely, Marian Paroo, the town librarian and piano teacher she plays in the film “The Music Man.”

It’s a pity someone like the lovely Marian Paroo wasn’t around when our Board of Supervisors was busy setting itself up to get bilked to the tune of $2.5 million — more than that actually, if you consider the interest the money could have been earning. Perhaps she could have won hearts of Pacificland International, owner of Imperial Center in Heber, and MBC USA Inc., owner of Silverdale Cheese and helped avoid the waste of time and resources it’s going to require for us to get our money back.

We got trouble, our friends, right here in Imperial County. We got trouble, with a capital T. That rhymes with D, and that stands for default.

Two major loans using funds from the county’s Public Benefit Program — both duds. It begs the question, how are these borrowers being vetted?

I’m thinking maybe it’s not such a good idea for the county supervisors to try to be in the banking business. They’ve shown no flair for it. If they are so eager to make bad deals, at least they could get stiffed by someone local. That way there might be a chance to recoup some of the money in sales taxes or something.

Instead we’ve got what the little boy shot at. Nothing.

OK, I’ll grant it is entirely possible new payment arrangements will be made and honored or that the collateral used to secure the loans will prove more than adequate to cover their value. If so, the story has a happy ending, and the county comes out smelling like a rose. Certainly we all would be good with that.

On the other hand, it’s also possible it will come out smelling like something else. How often do bankruptcies and foreclosures really work out for the creditors, even secured ones? Usually those are efforts to salvage whatever is left from a lost cause.

I’m pretty sure that’s not quite in the spirit of a Public Benefit Program. The management of these funds, which have been paid by from solar developers to replace lost tax revenues from lands converted to solar farms, seems to have been whimsical at best. These are monies, by inference from their name, that should be improving the quality of life in Imperial Valley. Instead we’re looking at a couple of big IOUs and countless court appearances.

No, we got trouble with a capital T, and it’s unlikely to end with anyone dancing up the street with Marian Paroo to tune of “76 Trombones.”