When friendships fizzle out

Helping kids deal with problems with their BFF

Sooner or later it will happen. Your middle school child will come home from school angry or in tears, suddenly not speaking to his or her BFF.

“You can expect it,” said Michelle Borba, parenting expert and author of “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.” “These days the social scene is a social jungle.”

“Having a best friend is very important to growing children, especially during the tweens and early teens. If your tween falls out with her best friend it can be devastating,” said Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, expert on child development and parenting issues and author of “Making Sense of your Child’s Friendships.” Importance of friendships

Childhood is a period of learning, and through friendships children learn social skills that they’ll use later on not only with friends but also with their spouse, at work and with their boss, Borba said.

“Through friendships children learn about themselves — who they get along best with, what they like playing and doing best, what they’re good at, how to judge people, what you can expect from a good friend, and about getting along with people,” Hartley-Brewer said.

When children are young, at 8 or 9, they don’t “know fully who they are, and they make mistakes — not about character necessarily but about who they gel best with. Younger children can have a new friend every week. But even by the early teens, it’s unlikely a friendship will withstand all the pressures and the physical and emotional changes that take place in each of them,” Hartley-Brewer said. What you can do

Children’s friendships fluctuate quickly. One day two kids are best friends, the next they can’t stand the sight of each other.

It may be jealousy, which really ramps up once kids, especially girls, hit middle school, a conflict or simply a falling out, Borba said.

What’s a parent to do?

“Bide your time and watch your tongue. You don’t want to bad-mouth the other child one day when the next they may be back to being best friends,” Borba said.

Instead, “lay low and see what happens,” Borba said. Use empathy. You can say, “I see

that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Get past the “sniffle stage” by offering comforting hugs and some cookies and milk. When a child is feeling better, he’ll open up.

“Parents shouldn’t interfere but they should be understanding and supportive. Simply asking what’s happened, how it’s come about, will help a child cope. It’s also very helpful to say this kind of thing is absolutely normal at this age, and for sure the two of them will be talking again very soon. Letting kids sort things out for themselves teaches them how to solve conflicts and gain useful relationship strategies,” Hartley-Brewer said. Share a story from your own childhood to show your child it happens to everyone.

“You can even fudge it a bit to fit the circumstances. Try to make it a lesson so the child understands,” Borba said.

There are times when parents should step up and take action and even speak to the school or teacher for advice.

“Where friendship problems border on bullying, a child can refuse to go to school, stop eating or sleeping properly, throw up at school or at the thought of going to school. These are serious symptoms of difficulty and shouldn’t be ignored,” Borba said. “Unhappiness can interfere with learning, undermine self-esteem and really set a child back.”