How to talk to kids about race

As Black History Month, February is an apt time to talk to children about race, tolerance, diversity and our shared American history. These conversations can be difficult but should not be avoided, said Darnise C. Martin, assistant professor at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles and author of “Beyond Christianity.”

“Conversations can be had about dolls, hair, superheroes, and just generally helping children know that they are not any less because of skin color,” Martin said.

“It’s never too early (or too late) to start talking to children about race,” said Karen Tao, assistant professor in the Department of Educational Psychology at the University of Utah. “From the age of 2 or 3, children are already beginning to take notice of and talk about physical differences, including skin color, hair texture and eye color and shape. For some children, it may be unrelated to race; however, for some these observations indicate they are beginning to attach social meaning to these physical differences.”

Studies from the 1940s demonstrated that black American children as young as 3 associated more negative characteristics (“bad,” “ugly”) to dolls with darker skin and more positive attributes to dolls with light skin and blue eyes (“pretty”, “good”), said Tao, who studies how children talk about and understand race and their other social identities.

“These landmark studies have been since replicated and show how early children begin to draw associations between race and specific characteristics as well as internalize racial messages,” she said.

As society imposes race on how we relate to each other, young children of color have to know their worth and safety, Martin said. And as kids grow parents need to share the ways in which society might stereotype them.

“Teens will need more of the harder topics. Use the news and historical events, maybe from the civil rights era or their own personal experiences growing up, to have these talks,” Martin said. “As teens get ready for college, they will probably need to think about/talk about racial diversities in the campuses they are considering.”

When starting the conversation, consider your own understanding of race and do research to become better equipped to talk about it with your child, said Tao, who offered the following tips:

• Notice your own discomfort. It is OK to not know what to say and let your children know that this is a hard or difficult topic, that you don’t have all of the answers and will keep learning with them.

• Recognize your defensiveness, including trying to overexplain or rationalize inequity. Using phrases such as “but, not our family” or “we have black friends” tells a child that they are not a part of the system. The goal is to help children be curious, conscientious and socially conscious members of society.

• Acknowledge your own emotions. It’s OK to let child know that a topic makes you sad, angry, frustrated or confused.

“Let your child take the lead even if they may not be going in direction you want,” Tao said. “Remember how your discomfort or silence can send a message to your child that racism or conversations about race are taboo or even something you agree with. Children are watching how we respond and use our words and behaviors as templates for their own actions.”

“From the age of 2 or 3, children are already beginning to take notice of and talk about physical differences, including skin color, hair texture and eye color and shape. For some children, it may be unrelated to race; however, for some these observations indicate they are beginning to attach social meaning to these physical differences.” karen Tao, University of Utah