We knew from the start

I knew who was behind the death of Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire convicted of molesting/sexually trafficking multiple teen girls, the minute I heard he died.

The Clintons.

Then I started scrolling through social media and saw many theories pointing toward Bill and Hillary, maybe even Chelsea, being involved in Epstein’s death. Our heavenly anointed president, Donald J. (Jesus2) Trump, who also knew Epstein but said he spurned him when he found out about his illicit activities (because of Trump’s immaculate morals), even re-tweeted a brilliant theory about the Clintons’ involvement.

Yes, on the surface it looks like a jail suicide by a fabulously rich guy who couldn’t handle the prospect of spending the rest of his life in the pokey. But if you start looking into it, with the help of social-media-based theorists, it becomes clear those true demons of modern times, the Clintons, were involved.

Is there physical or circumstantial evidence linking the Clinton’s to Epstein’s death? Of course not. The Clintons are too diabolically evil to leave evidence. Some would argue there is no evidence connecting the Clintons to their countless crimes because they hire minions to do their misdeeds. Many of us agree that postulate is untrue, because the Clintons prefer doing their dirty work themselves. They are hands-on demons, particularly Hillary.

Come on, you don’t think Hillary Clinton couldn’t break into the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York City, disable all security cameras, then dispatch Epstein with her bare hands in milliseconds?

The Clintons have a history of sending to their maker anyone who might implicate the Clintons. Who do you think killed Vince Foster? Who do you think killed Seth Rich? Who do you think killed Tupac? Who do you think killed Biggie?

But it goes deeper. Who was the football official, whose back (conveniently?) is to the camera in all replays, who made that unfathomable pass interference non-call that cost the New Orleans Saints a trip to the Super Bowl? Was it Bill Clinton? Don’t be silly. That guy was too short to be Bill. Was it Hillary? About that there is little doubt.

And what happened to Socks, Chelsea Clinton’s childhood cat? Socks was euthanized at age 20, allegedly because of various maladies related to being a really old cat, but many online believe Socks was executed by the Clintons because that darn cat knew way too much.

And why doesn’t Chelsea Clinton look like either of her parents? Who planted that child in that family and for what nefarious purposes? Was it George Soros? Was it the Trilateral Commission? Was it the Illuminati working with Spike Lee? A little web research might take you far in exploring those theories.

And why don’t we ever see photos of Chelsea’s husband? Could it be because she actually is married to Kim Jong Un?

I’m one of many who believe it was the Clintons who killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand and started World War I. It was all part of their complex plan to create conditions in Europe that subsequently fomented World War II, which led to the Cold War, which led to Reagan and Bush the First, which led to the Clintons taking over the United States in their quest for intergalactic dominion. Yes, the Clintons knew exactly what they were doing when they assassinated the archduke in 1914.

If you believe birth certificates, this was more than 30 years before Bill or Hillary were born, but no one believes such documents since Donald Jesus2 Trump righteously disparaged their credibility. Actually, the Clintons are much older than that. That whole aging thing they appear to be going through is a ruse.

The truth is — and you can look it up on the internet — the Clintons are vampires who will never die.

Bret Kofford teaches writing at San Diego State University-Imperial Valley. His opinions don’t necessarily reflect those of SDSU or its employees. Kofford can be reached at kofford@roadrunner.com