Grieving in a PANDEMIC

How to cope with loss when traditional ways aren’t possible

Facing loss is never easy, but the COVID-19 pandemic is forcing us to grieve from afar. Taking away the comforting rituals of gathering together to mourn may lead some to experience depression and a syndrome called complicated grief, which is more serious than the normal feelings of grief and bereavement.

“There’s a significant difference saying goodbye over an iPad, whether the death was caused by COVID-19 or something else,” said Tony

Kudner, vice president of communications and public affairs at Seasons Hospice in Palliative Care, a hospice company with 29 Medicare-certified sites in 19 states.

After suffering a loss, feeling grief is normal, said Mandy Bird, a licensed clinical mental health counselor who offers in-person and online counseling in Matthews, North Carolina.

“Grief doesn’t feel the same for everyone. Some people may grieve openly while others do not. It’s common to feel a sense of heaviness. You may feel overwhelmed or angry. Things may appear gray. You may be overeating or eating very little. Maybe you can’t stop crying,” said Bird, whose new podcast Finding Hope (anchor.fm/findinghope) covers the grieving process.

“Most of us will only experience grief a couple of times in our lives. It’s not something we ever get used to,” Kudner said.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the theory of five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance, but these paths are not the same for everyone, Kudner said. Gradually these feelings ease and people can move forward.

Feeling robbed of the chance to say goodbye can lead to guilt and frustration, adding an additional sense of loss, Kudner said. More severe, complicated grief or complex grief disorder is debilitating and can be long lasting, he said.

“If you’re not sleeping and filled with angst, it may be complicated grief,” Kudner said.

Other signs include unbearable sadness, an obsession with the departed, and withdrawal from work and daily life.

“Getting help is OK,” Kudner said. Reach out to a local hospice and ask to speak with someone, he said. Or, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration national helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service available in English and Spanish at 800-662-HELP (4357).

If a person is not intentional and purposeful about their grief, it can delay and worsen the grieving process, Bird said. While there may be no substitute for human connection, being creative with technology can help people deal with their emotions.

“Create a ritual to honor what you’ve lost, whether that’s an individual who you deeply loved or an acquaintance that you knew,” Bird said. Create your own ceremony. Look through photos or read emails or correspondence to remember their life.

Journaling or writing down your feelings is also a way to work through your mourning, Kudner said.

Don’t hide from grief.

“Think about it. Be present in your emotions. Don’t let them overwhelm you, but take time to explore your emotions,” Kudner said. “It’s a way to cope with grief and to continue on without that person in your life.”

As the holidays approach, take a moment to remember who you’ve lost. At Thanksgiving set a place at the table for them.

“Take a moment to honor their spirit and history with the family,” Kudner said.

“There’s a significant difference saying goodbye over an iPad, whether the death was caused by COVID-19 or something else.” TONY KUDNER