The guaranteed, surefire Halloween candy plan
When the air gets a hint of a chill to it and the leaves start drifting down off the trees, I know that the time has come for me to quietly bid farewell to summer ... and start to freak out about Halloween candy. Or more specifically, Halloween Candy Overeatis.
Yes, it’s true. I have Halloween Candy Overeatis. This is a somewhat common syndrome wherein the mother buys too much candy for Halloween and then ends up eating everything that’s left.
For me it started when we lived in the ‘ burbs. The houses were very far apart, so we got very few trickor-treaters and didn’t need all that much candy. But each year I would get to the supermarket and panic, imagining we would be hit with an army of costumed candy-craving adolescent zombies. Because of this, I’d end up buying way more candy than we would ever hand out.
Naturally the zombies never arrived and we were left with a huge volume of undistributed candy that invariably, inevitably, inexcusably ended up in my mouth.
In light of the state of things this year, I anticipated far fewer trickor-treaters and decided it was the perfect time to break the cycle of excessive candy buying and rid myself of the weight of Halloween Candy Overeatis. My plan was two-fold: I was going to buy less than I thought I needed. And I was only going to buy candy I hated.
Armed with my candy coupons and my resolve, I headed out to the store to show the candy who was boss.
Although I was confident in my plan, I knew that buying candy that I hated would be a challenge. I will eat just about any candy except chocolate-covered bugs, with one other exception: I won’t eat chocolate-covered coconut.
While I like coconut and I like chocolate, I can’t eat the two of them together. I don’t know what it is about the combination, but it makes my tongue want to get up and walk out of my mouth. Adding in an almond does nothing to help the situation. So, while I won’t name names, you get the idea about which candy I won’t eat.
This was the candy I intended to buy.
Full of self-righteous coconut indignation, I hit the Halloween candy aisles and began searching for the coconut-candy-that-shall-not-benamed. I shielded my eyes from the chocolate peanut butters and the chocolate nougats and the caramel chocolates in my single-minded quest for the one candy I would not eat.
But there was nothing.
No coconut. No coconut with almonds. No coconut nuthin. Either a busload of crazed chocolate coconut-loving tourists had stopped off at the market and completely emptied the store of coconut candy, or the store had simply decided, like me, that the candy was just too yucky to carry anymore. Either way, my master candy plan was derailed. I was at a loss. My entire Halloween overeating strategy was at stake. What was I to do?
Shielding my eyes from the shelves of candy that I wanted to avoid, I marched up to the checkout counter and asked for the manager.
“WHERE’S THE CHOCOLATE COCONUT CANDY?” I demanded with as much hysterical restraint as I could muster.
“We’re out,” she said simply.
“Are you getting more?” I asked. “Don’t know,” she responded. “Hmm.” I said pondering my options. “Then do you have any chocolate covered bugs?”