Moving day at the Trump White House
Melania: Donald, eez time to go. Wakey wakey. DT: I’m not leaving. I won the election by 200 million votes. Everyone says so. Please tell the movers to go away ...
Eric: Dad? It’s time to go. Look, I know we fought hard ...
DT: Who are you?
Don Junior: Dad, we know you don’t want to go, but it’s time. Right, Kimberly?
Kimberly Guilfoyle: IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. AND, NO, I CAN’T SPEAK IN NORMAL TONES. I YELL EVERYTHING. INCLUDING THE FACT THAT DON JUNIOR LIKES TROPHY HUNTING BECAUSE HE HAS A TINY, LITTLE ...
Don Junior: OK, kitten, that’s enough ...
DT: But I can’t leave. I won’t leave. The people elected me. My thinking place told me so.
Don Junior: Yeah, uhh, about that ...
Tiffany: Hey everybody! Where do y’all want these likker store boxes? Over here OK?
Ivanka: What on earth are those for? Tiffany, could you just, for once, look a little less (shudder) poor?
Jared: I think they’re to be used as moving boxes, pet. I remember seeing a classmate at Harvard struggling with several of them on the quad. He was a scholarship student. I laughed at him.
Ivanka: Jared, that sounds cruel and insensitive. I love you.
Kimberly Guilfoyle: HEY, DAD, YOU SHOULD PUT ON SOME CLOTHES. IT’S GO TIME!
DT: I’m not going anywhere. I’m the president. Forever. Period, no backstops, nanny nanny boo boo. Eric: Dad, please ...
DT: Look, I don’t know how you got in here, but you need to get out. Security! Rush! Rudy!
Melania: Ack, Donald. This eez getting ridiculous. The Bidens will be here any minute.
DT: Sleepy Joe? Coming here? ( Presses fingers to temples and squeezes eyes shut)
Ivanka: Daddy, what are you doing?
DT: I’m mind-melding the Proud Boys. They will stop this. We’re going to Make America ...
Kimberly Guilfoyle: GREAT AGAIN! THE BEST IS YET TO COME! DON JUNIOR LEFT HIS WIFE AND FIVE CHILDREN FOR ME. I CAN’T FIND KANSAS ON A MAP. SERIOUSLY. TRY ME. I CAN’T DO IT.
Tiffany: I’m hungry. Where’s the pizza? I’ve never moved anybody that I didn’t get pizza.
Jared: I’m sorry; what-za?
Mary Trump: Hey Cuz! They just let me walk in the front door. Who? Joe and Jill. They love me because I say stuff like how the whole family knows you’re a monster.
Eric: Is that true, Dad? Are you a monster? Monsters are scary.
Joe Biden: Donald? You’re still here? Jiminy Cricket, this is awkward ...
DT: Proud Boys! Weird mama’s boy wearing horns! My Pillow Guy! Somebody help me!
Joe: C’mon man. The people have spoken.
DT: Hmmmph. Dead people, you mean ...
Secret Service: Time to go, Big Orange.
DT: Was that my code name?
SS: No, but we can’t say the real one in polite company.
DT: Wait! What’s that? He’s acting like a DOG!
Joe: It is a dog. That’s Major. He’ll be living with us.
Tiffany: I got a pit bull on a chain outside my trailer home ...
Ivanka: Of COURSE you do ...