The danger of oversimplifying bullying

Both gun violence and bullying have been in the news, especially when either has resulted in fatalities. Although both are expressions of destructive aggression, bullying at times is portrayed as a more usual part of development in childhood and adolescence. Currently its appearance in social media not only makes it more widespread, but also opens the victim to greater exposure and humiliation.

Psychologists define bullying as “physical or verbal abuse repeated over time, involving a powerful imbalance,” meaning “one person with more social status lording it over another person, to make him miserable.” That definition seems to encompass both appalling violence or harassment as well as a few mean words. The problem is that if every act of aggression counts as bullying it can lead to the idea that it is just a childhood rite of passage.

Labeling all forms of conflict with this shorthand term tends to obscure the true nature of some interactions, failing to distinguish among them. This not only makes it more difficult to understand better what causes them, but to help children resolve them in a better way.

The difficulty in separating serious harassment from the childhood refrain, “sticks and stones may break my bones, names can never hurt me,” may reflect our ambivalence generally about aggression. Parents often express the fear that a child who strikes out at others may become a bully. We have a tendency to read adult meaning into the behavior of very young children.

But young children who have not yet mastered appropriate social interaction may strike out if their own feelings have been hurt. When children have not yet developed control of their impulses, their anger or frustration may be expressed in striking out at others.

One can often see that a child who is struggling with these issues begins to be perceived by other children - and at times even by adults - as a bully, as someone to be avoided. Such a child then starts to feel rejected and isolated, which may in turn intensify an aggressive approach to others.

Dual messages sometimes come into play in our response to those who may seem to be the victims of the child who has been labeled a bully. We teach children not to hit, or to be aggressive in other ways, such as taking things from others. Yet we also encourage them to stand up for themselves, and even to fight back if they are hit. Parents often are concerned if a child seems too passive in the face of another child’s aggressive behavior. So we worry if a child seems too aggressive, or not aggressive enough.

Understanding this complexity can enable more useful intervention that can begin when children are very young and behaving in ways that lead to destructive labeling. Often our instinct is to protect the “victim” of aggressive behavior when in fact, the “bully” needs equal protection from his or her own impulses. Both children need clarification about what has happened, and what the feelings of each were in the situation. Both need adult support in learning appropriate social approaches and in responding to inappropriate ones.

The early years, in which children are developing their capacity for empathy, provide the best opportunity to promote that development. And it is empathy that can ultimately serve to restrain the potential bully and those who encourage the bullying taking place. As one child wrote, “Don’t be the person who stands by and watches it happen. Be the person who stands up.”

Our job as parents and teachers is to help children develop that capacity to “stand up.”

Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: The Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com.