Pro tips for Mother’s Day(s)

Dear readers, please consider this column a friendly public service reminder. It is offered in the hope that harmony will reign throughout the land on Sunday, Mother’s Day. Harmony and love for all as seen on the Hallmark channel, are difficult to realize, but we’ll try our best.

Guys. If you are planning to purchase flowers for your wife or mom, remember that many, many men will be doing the same. Buy your flowers a day or two in advance and hide them in your clothes closet or the beer fridge in the garage. The line last year at Vons, just to buy flowers, was quite long. You can always tell if it’s a special occasion because there are guys shopping who don’t usually frequent grocery stores. They look uneasy in the flowers line balancing a few six packs and a bag of Slim Jims.

If your mom or wife is a double dipper and celebrates both the U.S. and Mexican Mother’s Day, don’t fight it. There will be consequences if you do. The U.S. celebration is the second Sunday of May. Mexicans always celebrate it May 10. The challenge for us gift givers is that this year these holidays are back to back.

We need to be clever and not stupid. A gift given on Sunday doesn’t also count for Monday. You probably have a childhood friend whose birthday is close to Christmas. The poor kid would get the bicycle for Christmas, but he had to wait till Jan. 5, his birthday, to be gifted the tires. This creates all sorts of psychological problems. My friend whose birthday was close to Christmas spent the rest of his life unsure of his due. He’d go to the ice cream store wondering if he’d get the cone or the scoop of ice cream on any given day.

You don’t give half the flowers on Sunday and the rest on Monday, or, on Tuesday you’ll receive rice and no beans for dinner. On Wednesday you’ll be a taco short of a combo plate. You get the idea.

So here are some suggestions. Macy’s mailed out a Mother’s Day sale brochure with lots of gift suggestions from diamond rings to Gucci Guilty. If you need to ask, get help from your sister. Some of these are high end and pricey. Yet, it’s not a celebration for being tight with that credit card. I noticed in the ad that there is a deluxe Shark vacuum cleaner. Want to sleep in the closet with the vacuum? Stick to the gold earrings.

If your family is into food treats, there is Harry and David’s Mother’s Day Bundle of Gifts. In a pinch? They ship. These are bundles of calories: cookies, chocolates, fresh fruit. You name it. For romantic couples, there are “personalized canvas gifts,” large posters you can hang over your bed. These posters are covered in sweet sayings similar to those Valentine heart candies: I love you, you are the best thing in my life, always & forever, Love your husband. Life is Hallmark good at home, but Rick wonders why the guys never invite him over to the garage to watch NFL games.

But, I’ve saved the best till last. If you’ve been working overtime, and the bank account is flush with Uncle Joe’s COVID checks, then go all out. The Machu Picchu Pueblo Hotel is 6,627 feet above sea level. It’s surrounded by native orchids, 162 species of birds, and countless butterflies. It’s safe since the Sendero Luminoso has laid down its arms. Likely, they have instead turned to capitalism and are the proprietors of Pueblo Hotel. Rates start at $528 per person per night. And then there are the air tickets to Peru. OK. Maybe another Mother’s Day.