Who is parenting better?

Our country’s competition with China is currently a focus in the news. Leaders such as China’s have proclaimed that our democracy is unable to compete effectively with their form of government because our divisions prevent the mobilization of unified action.

This controversy is reminiscent of that caused some years ago by Amy Chua’s book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” an indictment of Western (American) mothers, comparing them unfavorably to Chinese mothers whose success in raising math and music prodigies she attributed to their model of parenting.

Chua attributed the success of Chinese mothers to three major differences between Chinese and Western parental mind-sets: Western parents worry about their children’s self-esteem and how their children will feel if they fail at something. Chinese parents demand perfect grades because if they don’t get them, it’s because they didn’t work hard enough.

Chinese parents believe their kids owe them everything and therefore must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. They believe they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preferences.

Chau’s point of view seemed to have touched a nerve among American parents and educators.

Their reaction suggested that some deeply held beliefs were being challenged, but also that American parents worry about whether these beliefs are leading to the results they had hoped for.

From Chau’s description, Chinese mothers are ready to use extreme measures, including strict demands, severe punishment, shaming and humiliation, among other things, to achieve their sky-high goals and expectations. Their children’s feelings and desires are not an issue to be considered. The parent is the authority in all matters, and children are raised from the outset to defer to that authority. This is all in the service of a certain kind of success.

American parents’ concern for children’s self-esteem, feelings, and “psyches,” reflect our values of individualism, self-expression, and the right to question authority. Yet they were not always incorporated into our child-rearing practices.

Looking back on past child-rearing practices in America, we find many similarities to the Chinese model. Americans, too, once believed in parents as the authority, and used some of the same methods of enforcement. But in time these beliefs and methods gave way to new theories growing out of child development research.

For example, we went from “picking up babies causes spoiling,” to “babies need to be held and comforted”; from rigid feeding schedules to demand feeding; from strict toilet training to following a child’s lead; from “children should be seen but not heard,” to “children need to express their feelings”; from “spare the rod and spoil the child,” to a focus on children’s rights. We moved from the parent as authority to the child as authority, and now, unfortunately, to the “expert” as authority.

Is our problem that we really want the results the Chinese mothers are getting, but without using their methods? The difficulties we experience at times with our children’s behavior may lead us to question our methods.

One answer may be that in moving away from practices that damaged children in one way, we have given them the sort of control over their own upbringing that creates other kinds of problems. Chinese mothers have a culture and history that support their beliefs and methods. As American mothers we are always looking for, and open to, new ideas and methods. But these ever-changing approaches serve to undermine self-confidence and common sense.

Parents may need to re-learn being in charge.

This is an attitude and a conviction - not a method.

Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Good enough mothering: The Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private