Happy Valentine’s Day Alert!

This is the NOtSoEarly (NOSE) warning, which is an annual alert necessary for the preservation of society, if I may place such a heavy responsibility on a newspaper column. Hey, guys! This is addressed to you. It’s time to get out of your man cave and rush to your nearest florist, candy seller, and jeweler. The time is now. It’s St. Valentine’s Day, and you are expected to celebrate, to bring home the goods.

Turn off the ESPN poker tournament. Take a break from counting the losses on your Super Bowl bets. Get into your car or truck and make a dash to Zales or Macy’s. Tell your boss you have a personal emergency. Goodness knows he may be in the same situation. With any luck, he will have called in sick so you can sneak out and be on your mission to save the relationship. Make no mistake about this. It is a mission. It’s a test saying how much love you have for your wife or girlfriend. Perhaps both.

The pressure is on, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. In last week’s IV Press, Ricardo Heredia, a classics scholar, recounted tales of ancient Valentine’s celebrations. Not all was bright and rosy. Lupercalia festivals saw animal sacrifices and the whipping of women. It’s not that roles are reversed, but you could say that men are now in the hot seat.

There is the gnashing of teeth and mournful sounds as credit card bills are opened after the holiday. There is the almost inaudible whimpering as a man gets to Vons flower shop only to find the flowers all gone. Then at another grocery store the only candy available is Tootsie Rolls. It’s expensive, but jewelry is always available.

Have you seen the movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes?” It’s a classic. Marilyn Monroe sings, “A kiss on the hand is quite continental, but diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Keep that in mind as you lean on the counter at your favorite jewelry store. There’s an important message in Marilyn’s song. Diamonds are forever. And so may be the payments. But no matter. Today is Valentine’s Day, and you don’t want to spend any more time in the dog house.

You’ll also be expected to do dinner. If you are under 25 years old, Buffalo Wild Wings might be OK. At 30 years, Chili’s might do it. Everyone else: Fortune Garden, Fujisan, or Olive Garden. But if you have lasted a long time as a couple, you don’t need advice from this column. It’s even OK to ask for the senior discount. Just remember to be nice and don’t expect her to pay the bill. Going to the restroom before the bill arrives just doesn’t work. Show some class. No Mickey D’s drive thru, and a chocolate shake doesn’t substitute for a heart shaped box filled with chocolate creams.

Have a good time, and I wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day.