Spouse’s attention is elsewhere
DEAR ABBY >> My husband looks at pornography. I find it disgusting and it turns me off. I feel that if he has to look at it, it means I’m not good enough or sexy enough for him. I don’t believe his excuse of “It has nothing to do with you.” When I try to tell him how it makes me feel, he becomes indignant and turns the conversation around to something he doesn’t like about me to take the focus off himself.
He doesn’t watch porn around me, but he gets pop-up ads on his phone all the time, so I assume he looks at it frequently. I have even seen notifications suggesting he belongs to a website where he can chat with women, although he says he has no idea why he gets them. I’m not stupid. I don’t know anyone else with this kind of issue. I haven’t been able to have sex with him lately knowing this is going on. I don’t have plans to leave him over this, but what can I do?
— Turned Off In Washington
DEAR TURNED OFF
>> Realize that your husband’s appetite for porn really has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness, and Everything to do with his own appetites. Next, and this is equally important, please seek a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to rebuild your damaged self-esteem. Your husband is far from the only man who enjoys Xrated entertainment. (So do some women.) And many couples view it together as a form of erotica.
The chat rooms, however, are another matter. Perhaps your husband can explain that to you during some of the sessions with your therapist. It might be more effective than him becoming critical and accusatory when you attempt to try to explain how his behavior affects you. Of this I am sure: Denying sex to your husband not only won’t improve your relationship, but it will erode it further, and I don’t recommend it.
DEAR ABBY >> Our only son, who is 32, and his wife are expecting their first child. They have been married two and a half years and relocated to Florida. We followed him down from Michigan because he’s our only child and bought a home about 20 minutes from him. He informed me that he wants me to be the primary babysitter after the baby is born, but after being here a year, I recently acquired a new job that I really want. I don’t know what to do. He expects me to be the babysitter. The baby is due in a few months, so what do I do?
— Grandma-to-be In Florida
DEAR GRANDMA-TO-BE >>
Do not allow yourself to be guilted into doing more than is comfortable, or you may find yourself chained to a playpen until your grandchild is ready for high school.