This bad Christmas gift-giver has some advice for you
Hello December, the month that signals the end of the year and the beginning of the annual Christmas shopping frenzy. Some folks with distinct psychological disorders have been shopping for months and will smugly tell you they are all done except for wrapping and delivering the delightful, thoughtful, useful and generally great gifts they have been buying for months, like some rabid Christmas squirrel grabbing and stashing socks and books and clothes in hollow trees.
Pay no attention to them. They are the exceptions that prove the rule. And what rule do they prove? Easy. Christmas shopping is a combination of angst-filled masochism and financial ruin. Not fun, in other words. The advent of online shopping has added a whole other layer of grief, doubt and stress to holiday shopping (“I have to buy something else, I’m 75 cents away from free shipping.” I have heard this sentence uttered. Really.)
The answer, of course, to online drama and shipping deadlines, is to shop local stores and make a huge point of announcing that fact in large letters on the Christmas card to ensure the slovenly ingrates receiving the present know you are a community minded person and not a virtual sell out.
Enough warm up. Time to take action and get out there amongst the hordes and start buying those presents. But also time for some wisdom from a bad gift-giver. What follows are some general, hard-earned guidelines that should help the present presenter avoid a red face or a fist fight or being left out of the will.
1) Never, ever, ever buy anyone a cookbook. That’s a built-in statement: “You are a lousy cook.” The corollary is to never buy a special diet cookbook. Again, the inference is, “You could really loose some weight, avoid a heart attack, stop being cranky, quit passing gas four hours a day, save the planet by not eating the dead flesh of cows, pigs and chickens, and clear up those skin problems if you just do this diet.” Obviously, exercise books are completely off limits, Tubby.
2) Clothes can also be tricky. For example, don’t buy any middle-aged woman a lovely pair of sweat pants with a cheery card noting, “Now you won’t be busting out the seams of those skinny jeans or yoga pants. You deserve to be comfortable.” Ouch. Same with “throw-back” shirts for older men with the note, “This shirt will remind you about when you were young many years ago. And handsome. With good hair. And no wrinkles. Plus it will hide your saggy arms and pot belly. Sweet memories, right?” Double ouch.
3) Another present that can easily be misconstrued is a gift certificate for a home cleaning service, which screams “Don’t you know how to dust and vacuum?” The only way to make this gift worse is to date it for the week before you arrive for your annual visit.
4) Probably causing a little friction when delivered to new parents would be a subscription to a podcast about effective parenting, including tips on how to “tame” a wild, out-of-control child. One unintended consequence of being so “helpful” is that you could be asked to babysit. For a week. During your annual visit. In a dirty house.
5) Although it’s tempting, and probably necessary, it’s not a good idea to send your grown kids a New Year Calendar. With dates circled. With notes. As in: “Aunt
Dot’s birthday, send a card and call. My birthday, video call, send presents, post on your social media. Three-day weekend, am I visiting you or are you visiting me?”
6) Another temptation is for USC fans to send USC merchandise to UCLA fans. Or Giants fans sending their team’s gear to Dodger fans. Same with sending your gold mining uncle a Sierra Club application. You get the idea. Those type of gifts are OK for birthdays, but not Christmas.
7) Gloating is also discouraged. For example, no need to send Christmas cards to some family members to inform them, “We won’t be coming to Grandma’s for Christmas, sorry to miss you. We will text photos of our holiday trip to Tahiti, where we will celebrate with close family members and select friends.”
OPINION
(Jon Klusmire of Bishop is ready to go Christmas shopping. For gift cards.)