Cyber shopping puts end to ‘old fashioned’ Christmas
This was going to be the year when I shed my “old fashioned” approach to buying Christmas presents by diving headfirst into the online buying frenzy. Oh, I’ve dabbled a bit in the online shopping world, now and then, but I decided it was time to really put some effort into it.
I was hoping that with a simple couple of clicks of my mouse I would be able to finish all my Christmas shopping in the comfort of my home. In my PJs. While drinking eggnog.
Good plan. But plans “gang aft agley,” as we all know. (Googling the correct spelling in Scottish for that famous line in the Robert Burns poem got me started.)
There was good reason for my initial optimism. Since I have been buying a fair number of things online, I do receive a fair number of email sales pitches and “targeted ads” that pop up while visiting webpage – like the ones that popped up when I Googled “To A Mouse.” So to start my cyber shopping trip, I rummaged through all the dozens of unopened emails in my inbox.
First, there was a breathtaking special from Harry and David, the purveyors of fine fruits for the holidays. Click
OPINION
click click and I was almost ready to order a box of lovely looking pears. Then I saw the price, did a little math and decided that $6 a pear was a little much, unless said pear offered legal advice and a nice back rub. So I shifted to find some China Ranch Dates for the fruit-lover on my list.
Onward. Hello, Hickory Farms, and yes I would love to spend $65 for several pounds of cheese and sausage. Umm, wonder if that comes with cholesterol and blood pressure medication? I checked. That would be a “no.” The meat lovers on the list will be getting a variety of jerky from Mahagony
Smoked Meats
Next up we have L.L. Bean, backwoods clothing from Maine, where it is actually cold in the winter. How about some new jeans? Sure. Click, click, click. Wait. I have to measure my own leg? With my own arms? I don’t think they are long enough, I don’t think I can twist and bend that way, which is why I’m buying jeans and not yoga pants. Oh well. Hello Toggery, hello Levi’s.
Airline tickets are on sale? Who knew. Oh, they are to Toledo. Never mind.
A box of Omaha Steaks for the price of an Inyo County cow? Maybe next year.
Hotel rooms for 70% off !!!!! In Barstow. Pass.
For at least 30 years I have never purchased a “gift subscription” as a gift, but I still get emails from every magazine I subscribed to in the past 30 years asking me to buy “gift subscriptions.” For the 31st time, no.
Overstock.com? My life is overstocked. Delete.
See’s Candy is always a welcome gift. Plus the rectangular boxes are easy to wrap. Hmm. No free shipping? Hmm. Guess I’ll just wander over to the Bishop Senor Center, buy candy and pay myself for “shipping.”
Maybe I’ll have better luck with some general internet browsing.
And we have a winner. Seventy-five percent off and free shipping on what looks like goose liver pate. Oh, wait. That’s cat food. And I don’t have a cat. And I’m not that hungry. Moving on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa big boy, let’s take care of one holiday at a time, okay? That means taking a pass on that spiffy pamphlet about making New Year’s Resolutions in December, not January. I already enjoy 12 months of failure and embarrassment for not following through on my New Year’s resolutions, so upping my angst to 13 months will just increase the agony quotient.
How about a new television? For me. Let’s look. Hmm.
What’s this headline, “Your Smart TV Can Snoop on You.” Don’t need that since my phone, my computer, my email, Google, Facebook, Instagram and my neighbors already handle that chore.
Do I need Baby Yoda? If it means having to try and remember anything from the, what, 246 Star Wars movies and shows and controversies, that would be a strong no.
Do I need Christmas wrapping paper? Sort of. Let’s see. Well, this could be a winner: “Taco Bell Introduces TacoScented Wrapping Paper.”
Despite the prospect of wrapping a box of candy in taco-scented wrapping paper, the Christmas Spirit is starting to sag. How about some Christmas music? How about “Sock it to Me Santa?” How about a 1960s fever dream/ nightmare?
“Cozy Little Christmas” sounds fun, until the teaser shows up: “Watch Katy Perry and Santa get a couples’ massage by a reindeer in a new music video for ‘Cozy Little Christmas’.”
No, no, no for the love of God, Saint Nick, Father Christmas and all that is holy and sacred about the holidays (including the Radio City Rockettes and “Charley Brown Christmas”) I’m going to stop and turn off the computer and turn off the phone and turn off the television and drink a gallon of egg nog to wash away the bitter taste of my cyber shopping experience.
(Jon Klusmire of Bishop will enjoy another “old-fashioned” Christmas shopping spree once again this year by visiting every store in town.)