Congratulations for NOT giving obvious Xmas gifts
The presents that were placed under the tree with care have been unwrapped with wild abandon and you earned compliments and congratulations for your ability to match the perfect gift with the right person. Now you can kick back and celebrate yet another successful shopping frenzy and a “magical” Christmas gift-o-rama. And go ahead and give yourself an extra pat on the back for holding back, holding your tongue and shelving the ideas for Christmas gifts you could have delivered, but did not because you didn’t want reality to intrude on the “magic of Christmas.”
For example, your best friend Sue dropped huge Christmas gift hints by declaring that she wants to learn how to cook healthy, organic “cuisine,” which is a fancy word for fancy food. So ever-helpful you got her a $150, French cast-iron soup pot and the “Complete Vegetarian
Cookbook: A Fresh Guide to Eating Well with 700 Foolproof Recipes,” from the
American Test Kitchen. What you really wanted to buy her was a different cookbook. Namely, “No, You Should Not Put Chutney, Soy Sauce and Garlic on Strawberry Flan: A Hilarious History of Organic
Culinary Disasters.”
For the neighbor’s daughter who is heading to college, you went by the book and gave her a nice wad of cash and a sappy, “Live Your Passion Follow Your Passion Be Your Passion” Christmas card. You parked your pen and avoided some realworld advice: “If the passion thing doesn’t work out, it’s okay to settle for a mundane, well-paying, soul-sucking corporate job with health insurance.”
Then there’s your boss. Wonderful person. Horrible boss. Regardless, you got him a Looney Bean Gift Card. But since you want to keep your job and maybe even get a raise, you refrained from reality. So, the Merry Christmas note that went with the gift card did not mention the feverish but joyous planning effort for his upcoming retirement party that is currently consuming 60% of the entire crew’s workday.
Every year your mother-in-law insists, absolutely insists on a “no gift for me,” holier than thou holiday stance. Yeah, right. Subtle you went ahead and anonymously mailed her a lovely set of wool slippers. Very thoughtful, very warm. Not as truthful as a one-way ticket to that Arizona nursing home where it’s warm all year, but … there’s always next year.
In another entry on your sainthood resume, you didn’t even roll your eyes when your sister and brother-in-law guffawed and giggled about her buying him a $150 French, cast iron soup pot while he bought her a variable-speed power drill. Ha ha ha.
Geeks. Oldest joke in the world.
Sometimes your skills as a “gifting consultant” shine. Your sister was flummoxed when she told you her son, a sophomore in college, is still “trying to find his passion.” She was going to graciously offer that he could move back home “and help around the house” until passion hit. For once, though, you insisted on a Christmas message made up of the truth. Your sister took your advice and informed her son that “helping around the house” will mean he will live in the garage and help the contractor finish the “Gut Son’s Bedroom for Wine Bar” remodeling project. Last you heard, the son had found his “passion,” which consists of “anything but living in my parent’s garage.”
Your millennial nephew certainly will use and enjoy the gift card for avocado toast to the Pupfish Café. You showed great restraint by keeping this little secret: You’ve been eating avocado toast for decades and never made a big deal about it.
As for that neighbor who is a rabid fan of SoCal college football, you helpfully provided travel information to all the Big 10 towns the powder blue puff-cakes from UCLA and crimson-clad USC cupcakes will be visiting next year to be run over and body slammed and head-butted by big, mean, corn-fed Midwesterners.
Good Old Uncle Bill is a rabid LA Rams fan. You indulged him with a cute little set of ram’s horns for the grill of his truck and didn’t mention the Las Vegas Raiders’ bumper sticker you quietly stuck on his back bumper.
Then there’s the father-in-law who is absolutely passionate about the LA Dodgers and LA Lakers. Again, appropriate team gear was in his gift box. From the Tommy Lasorda and Kobe Bryant eras. Subtle.
OPINION
(Jon Klusmire of Bishop is absolutely, 100% sure that nurses and teachers deserve all the superhero gear they got for Christmas.)