Contacting big shots to do something about the weather
This is getting ridiculous. Silly. Unnerving. Annoying. Irresponsible. Stupid.
I like a nice, warm winter with a minimum of ice and snow as much as the next guy, but this is beyond the pale.
As I peck away at this little missive, my heater is going to sleep because it hasn’t been called on to warm up anything this afternoon. Go outside and stand in the sun and within minutes the coat will be cast aside, the scarf sent away, and forget about mittens and a hat. It is boiling out there in the blazing sunshine. Come on. Sixty degrees? At the end of January? That’s making me think I have slipped into a reverse universe where summer is winter and winter is a faint memory cherished by old geezers.
I know. I know. “Everyone complains about the weather, but no one does anything about it.”
Ha. I have a plan, so be quiet, find a corner and hide and watch.
We just need to get the attention of someone who can actually do something. And how do we do that? Just like everyone who wants to get any results in the 21st Century, we post a message on their Social Media pages. We will appeal to a broad range of big shots who can tinker with the weather.
Let’s start with the smaller big shots.
Gather round all you forest gnomes and trolls – yes even you slackers who abandoned the forest to decorate yards and gardens – bring your goofy little red hats and staffs/sticks/wands and start whacking away at the toes (you are “small but mighty,” or at least that’s what your Facebook profile says) of the Winter Storm Gods to stop napping and do their job, for God’s sake.
And you over there, yeah you, Zeus, what have you been doing besides a big bunch of nothing? Quiet, we don’t want to hear excuses or stories or some lame whining, “wouda coulda except the wife, Hera, wouldn’t let me.” Dude, you are the big Greek honcho with the lightning bolts, so quit being a wimp, man up and tell that little woman how the cow ate the cabbage. Or something like that. You big, bearded brute are the King of Gods, the King of Sky and Weather, so start acting like it and bring on the lighting and storms.
Don’t make me beseech, via his Tik Tok page, that Roman guy, Jupiter, to come in and take over because he might get the job done and then swoop in and scoop up your wife, too. How would you like them apples?
Next up is the German with the hammer: Thor. Okay, buddy, time to get back to work instead of rolling around Hollywood like a Trollope just because they put you in a movie. Get your head out of those clouds and stick it in the winter clouds, where it belongs, oh master of lightning and thunderstorms. Start hitting some stuff with that famous hammer, dude, instead of using it to impress tourists on the Hollywood Walk of Fame looking for a Instagram photo. Remember, Hollywood is a fickle mistress: No storm, no sequel. Got it, get it, good.
There are hundreds of Gods roaming around in the firmament and the internet, but let’s appeal to one most folks know: Jesus’s Dad. Sorry, Jesus fans, but your Guy wasn’t much of a rain maker. Too busy with miracles, feeding multitudes, offering everyone salvation, being a nice, forgiving Guy and otherwise rebelling against his “Eye-for-an-Eye, Tooth-for-a-Tooth” Dad.
But Dad is a different story. Remember the Flood? Yeah, he’s that Guy. Gotta be careful with Him though, and ask very precisely: Big Guy, we just want some normal amounts of Winter rain and snow, not complete destruction of the entire planet. (Besides, us humans seem to be doing fine on that front without any holy intervention).
Okay, that should do it. Let’s see how many “likes” we get.
OPINION
(Jon Klusmire of Bishop is about two weeks away from sacrificing a goat to prod some obscure winter God or Goddess to speed up the coming of some “real” winter weather.)