Cheating might be disguised as a sex addiction
DEAR AMY >> I’m a man in my 30’s. I’d gone on a couple of dates with “Stan” before he left for a four-month trip. We had sex both times. He was sweet, romantic, and we got along well.
When he got back, we started dating again and he said he didn’t want to have sex for a while because he believed he was a sex addict.
He started going to 12-step meetings. His rules about sex kept changing — first it was no sex for 90 days, then he changed that to some sex acts were OK, but not others.
About three weeks in, we had a really lovely, romantic overnight date and he left to meet a friend for coffee. The next day he told me they had sex.
Since we hadn’t agreed to be exclusive, I overlooked it.
A month later, I had to fly to my hometown because my dad, who had dementia, had stopped eating and drinking. He was taken off fluids but hung on for nearly three weeks before he died. I was away for a month and was at the nursing home 12 hours a day. It was devastating.
Halfway through, Stan called to confess that he’d hooked up with someone on Craigslist (after I hadn’t answered a midnight text about how much he missed me), that he’d also been naked-cuddling with a neighbor because of loneliness and “his addiction” ‘ and he was sorry but couldn’t promise it wouldn’t happen again. I told him we would talk when I got back.
Now I’ve gotten back to my apartment to find it full of wilted apology flowers and candy (he had a key).
I don’t want this relationship to continue because I’m too emotionally exhausted for his guilt and drama — but am I being insensitive to his self-diagnosed condition? After all, we hadn’t agreed to be exclusive.
Is sex addiction, especially if self-diagnosed, a get-out-of-jail-free card for cheating?
— Wondering
DEAR WONDERING >> Regarding “Stan’s” behavior — according to you, you two weren’t exclusive, so his self-professed addictive sex-seeking behavior isn’t really “cheating.”
But at this point (I ask rhetorically), who cares about Stan’s motivations?
I think it would be a good idea for you to focus less on Stan’s behavior, and more on what you want in a relationship. Did Stan show up for you emotionally or through simple and sincere friendship behavior when you were at your dying father’s bedside? No — he didn’t.
You don’t have to decide whether Stan is actually an addict (or simply enjoys hooking up) in order to decide that you don’t want to be with him.
In this case, Stan’s behavior puts you (and his other partners) at some risk. Get tested, change the locks, and focus on friendships and partners whose behavior and values align more closely with your own.
DEAR AMY >> I had a longterm close friendship that I have finally completely severed.
This friend is married to a prominent doctor.
She started telling me private information about his patients and coworkers that he is obviously sharing with her. She has even discussed patient matters in front of him, and he has not stopped or corrected her.
I’ve also heard him discussing things that I would not want shared.
My family changed doctors years ago when I started feeling wildly uncomfortable with how unprofessional he is.
Here is where I struggle (outside of finding this morally and legally beyond wrong).
What do I say to our mutual friends who question why I no longer spend time with them?
How to reconcile my conscience with knowing that he has no respect for HIPAA laws and continues to share sensitive information about his patients?
— Disgusted
DEAR DISGUSTED >> You seem to feel ethically bound to protect this doctor’s privacy.
Oh — the irony.
When friends ask why you are no longer socializing with this couple, you should tell them the truth: “They have both been very indiscreet about his patients.”
Additionally, you can file a complaint (anonymously, if you prefer) through the Health and Human Services website: Hhs.gov/hipaa (search on filing a complaint).
(If I was his patient, I would want someone to blow the whistle.)
DEAR AMY >> “Uncharted” was wondering how to respond to her son’s very negative (but vague) report from his reading teachers.
Your suggestion for how to respond, including to take this up the chain at school was great. I have one more: For more insight, this parent should ask to discreetly observe the class. She could learn a lot.