Parents on the fence over adultery

DEAR AMY >> My wonderful daughter and her husband have been together for 15 years. We genuinely love her husband, “Danny,” and consider him our son. They have a oneyear-old child and we absolutely adore our grandson.

Danny’s job is challenging and he is very successful. Our daughter is taking a break from her own career to be home with their baby, because Danny travels a lot.

Last weekend our daughter told us that Danny has cheated on her. She is devastated, and so are we. We are so disappointed in him and feel completely deceived by him. Our daughter told us that she and Danny are trying to work things out. She says they intend to stay together and that she absolutely wants to stay married to him.

We worry about her self-esteem and think it’s not a good idea for her to stay married to someone who has been unfaithful to her. My wife and I want her to call a lawyer, but we are torn about sharing our opinion with her. What do you think? — Torn Parents

DEAR PARENTS >> Couples do recover from episodes of cheating.

When it comes to your daughter’s marriage, it’s a mistake for you to attach to a specific outcome. If she asks for your advice about what you believe she should do, you should be honest with her. Otherwise, keep your opinion to yourself.

If you share your view, you should also say that you understand this is complicated, that it is her marriage — not yours — and that you will absolutely be in her corner, no matter what.

If she stays with her husband, you should also be honest with him. Tell him (privately) you’re disappointed in his choice but that you hope they can recover.

If you put him down or react with anger, you may paint your daughter into a difficult corner. She could feel the need to defend him and thus distance herself from you.

DEAR AMY >> “Sad and Confused” was upset when their longtime friends basically snapped their vacation rental of many years out from under them. There is an ethic among people who rent hard-to-find vacation houses: Renters ruthlessly protect their rental weeks, and if friends poach, it means the friendship is basically over. — Island Renter

DEAR RENTER >> I agree.