Guilt for long-ago behavior won’t fade
DEAR AMY >> Forty years ago, my wife was pregnant for one trimester. I’ve never forgiven myself for how I acted during those few months.
The pregnancy was planned, but instead of being pleased, doubts and fears assailed me. Rather than being supportive and optimistic with my wife, I was badtempered and unsympathetic. I felt trapped and resentful.
Then it all ended with a sad miscarriage and a consuming feeling of guilt over the way I’d acted.
Wanting to atone, I was supportive through five years of humiliating infertility treatments before I finally said I couldn’t take it anymore. She agreed. We gave up trying.
Was my behavior during that brief pregnancy as unforgivable as I think it was, or do other people have similar feelings in such situations?
If I found they did, maybe I could forgive myself.
— Guilt-ridden Man
DEAR GUILT >> Yes, anxiety, doubts and fears during pregnancy are common — for pregnant women and their partners.
Do I know of men who have been unsupportive and bad-tempered during their partner’s pregnancy and the early days of parenthood? Of course. And pregnant women can exhibit similar behaviors. (I can’t possibly be the only one.)
Pregnancy can be an extremely stressful experience, and people who don’t take the time and effort to decode their internal feelings and seek ways to behave well tend to behave poorly, lashing out instead of coping with their own vulnerability.
The difference between your story and that of other prospective parents is that a lot of these negative feelings do migrate and dissipate as the pregnancy advances. The extremely sad series of losses you and your wife experienced robbed you of many things, including any opportunity of redemption through enthusiastic and loving parenting.
Atonement is an external way of behaving in order to try to repair a wrong.
Your ongoing guilt might be a sign that you still need to accept your actions and take responsibility for the impact of your long-ago behavior on your family.
We all make mistakes. We all behave badly. But the way to move forward is to admit your faults and frailties, and to seek to be forgiven.
Have you sincerely admitted and taken responsibility for your behavior — and asked your wife to forgive you? If not, what are you waiting for?!
You will only learn if your behavior is “unforgivable” once you are brave enough to ask for forgiveness.
DEAR AMY >> I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years (we’re both in our mid-20’s).
We moved in together about a year ago and both have good jobs. Her job is either more stressful than mine or maybe she just feels the stress more, but frequently when she comes home after work, she is in a foul mood. She always says she’s “hangry,” and that she feels better after she eats something.
In my opinion, this makes her pretty hard to live with.
The other night it was my turn to make dinner and she didn’t believe I was paying enough attention to what I was doing. She followed me around the kitchen, criticizing what I was doing. She went to the refrigerator and got a tub of yogurt to eat.
I was doing a crossword on my phone while the rice was cooking but nothing was progressing fast enough, and — long story short — she ended up throwing the yogurt at me (spoon and all).
My back was turned and the yogurt hit my back, splattered all over me, and fell to the floor.
I wasn’t hurt, but I’m thinking this is the last straw. She did sincerely apologize. She blamed this outburst on her hunger, but I’m thinking of moving out. I’m not sure what to do.
— Man On the Fence
DEAR ON THE FENCE >>
Your girlfriend could easily control her “hangry” outbursts by grabbing a snack on the way home from work.
Her violence is unacceptable.
Men sometimes discount partner violence if they’re not injured. I hope you won’t make this mistake.
It’s time for you to get out. Move in with a friend, make a clean break, and don’t look back.
DEAR AMY >> Your answer to “Depressing (but not depressed) Daughter” was wonderful.
I watched my two parents die and was in DD’S position often, and didn’t know what to say.
Your suggestions were simple and very helpful.
— Barry, in Indiana
DEAR BARRY >> A person telling the truth about a dying relative is not a “downer,” as long as they accept “I’m sorry,” as a sincere and adequate response.
Coaching success isn’t always measured by numbers, but rather by how one aids a young athlete in her growth both on and off the court.
Some measurements are still nice to see, though.
On Jan. 22, Caliche girls basketball head coach Dave Huss reached the 300-win milestone with a 48-38 victory against Otis. During that campaign, Ava Hernandez and Karsyn Huss combined for 31 points.
The Buffaloes ended their run through districts with a 10-10 record and earned the No. 23 seed for the 2A Region 7 tournament. They’ll go head-to-head against No. 10 Simla and, if they can pull off the upset, will move on to play the winner of No. 7 Dayspring Christian Academy— who’s hosting the tournament — and No. 26 West Grand.
Fleming girls hoops nab No. 12 seed for state tourney
A rough schedule may not have helped Fleming girls basketball much throughout the regular season, but it’s certainly serving the Wildcats well in their bid for the postseason.
Their final push toward and through districts saw the Wildcats drop five straight losses, but all came against teams that were ranked in the Class 1A and 2A top 10 in the final Coaches and Media Poll of the season, which was released on Feb. 12.
They ended the regular season with a 10-9 record, but due to the severity of their strength of schedule, they earned the No. 12 seed for the 1A regional tournament. That means they’ll have to make the trip to No. 5 Idalia, which defeated them during their most recent slump, for their regional campaign.
Fleming is set to face off with No. 21 Granada in the first round and, should they emerge victorious, will then take on the winner of Idalia and No. 28 Kim/branson.
The Wildcats spent much of the regular season relying on their rebounding and stealing skills, as they collected 33.4 boards and 14.2 takeaways, but couldn’t score more than 43.1 points per game, on average. Sophomore Brooke Schaefer led the way with 9.7 points per game, followed by 9.1 from sophomore Ciana Lousberg.
Granada, on the other hand, comes into the contest with a 1010 record, and has been shooting 38.5 points per game. They, much like the Wildcats, excel in rebounding (32.6 per game) and steals (15.7 per game), and lean on Marissa Valenzuela (11.2 points per game) to make up the biggest scoring chunk.