LA TIMES CROSSWORD
Dear Carolyn: My friend “Mia” recently got engaged. She and “Steve” have been together since right before COVID, and she’s been wanting to get married for a long time.
However, Steve is terrible. None of her close friends like him or think he’s right for her. Two examples of many: Mia always wanted kids, but Steve didn’t; all of sudden, she changed her mind about it. He also drinks and does drugs (mostly party drugs) a lot, while she’s a homebody, and we recently learned she dropped acid with him because he was pushing her to. He dims her sparkle, and everyone sees that except her.
It’s gotten to the point where we have started not inviting her to certain things because we knew he’d be there. Steve doesn’t even seem to be excited about their engagement, let alone the wedding; he made a comment recently about “if it even happens.”
Her oldest and best friend once questioned the relationship, and Mia said that if Steve ever left her, she’d die.
As a group, all her girlfriends want to tell her this guy sucks and she could do so much better. But we also know her well enough to know we could easily lose her.
How do we choose between telling her our feelings and risking her friendship?
- Conflicted
Conflicted: Preserving your friendship is important, but it’s much less of a worry than preserving Mia.
For all the red flags around Steve – flapping like a human United Nations Mia’s “I’d die” is way more alarming.
Maybe hyperbole is her thing; you’re better able to put it in context than I am. But we have that statement, plus a decent case for Steve’s awfulness, plus her “long time” focus on Getting Married, which tends to crowd out any incentive to be picky about the “to whom” part. Plus, we have her bending to Steve’s will on things that are out of character, off her life path and unsafe. These add up to real peril for Mia.
And while I am super (duper) sympathetic to finding Steve so terrible that you’ll drop Mia to be rid of him, you and her other friends heighten her risk when you do that.
Abuse math is vicious. When Steve drives off her people, she’ll have no one but Steve, depend on him more, and feel less able to leave, and take more abuse.
Mia needs her friends’ love. She needs your eyes on her. She needs your steady presence as a reminder that she matters – to each of you specifically, to all of you together and to the universe just because. Coordinate if you can so she’s covered and you’re all sharing the weight.
She also needs to hear how she appears through your eyes: “I am worried. I see you losing your sparkle, and feel helpless fix it, so I’ll just say this: I’m here for you, 24/7, when you’re ready.”
Say it one-on-one, kindly, with an eye to planting this idea in her heart vs. persuading her this very instant. Also be clear this is concern, not criticism.
And make no mention of Steve. If she’s already not receptive to everyone’s assessments of how terrible he is, then stop.
Even if your dimmed-sparkle talk upsets her, too, at least she’ll know she has someone she can ask for help. Fingers crossed.
Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com
ACROSS
1 Chasm
6 Every which way 10 Worry about 15 “Better in Time”
singer Lewis 16 Placemat, in
some restaurants 17 Shelf
18 Big bash honoring detectives? 21 Running wild 22 Try and fail to
walk on ice 23 __-Magnon 24 Rock gp. sometimes joined by Young 25 Signifies 26 Besmirch
27 Take steps to prevent patients leaving midappendectomy? 32 Kid-friendly card
game
33 Laze 34 “__-daisy!” 38 Certain English
collegian 41 Oregon port named for a fur merchant 43 Grayish green
shade
44 Fictional terrier
from Kansas 46 Bobby of the
Bruins
47 Certain facial
recognition pro? 52 Sleeve
55 Matter basics 56 Pub bill
57 Actress Seydoux 58 Pool division 59 Uneasy feeling,
with “the” 63 Really annoy the computer help desk?
66 Neptune’s realm 67 Home of the Blue
Devils
68 “Into the Woods” song sung by two princes
69 [I have no idea] 70 Missouri River
Native
71 Pick up
DOWN
1 Pet food brand 2 Form of nonviolent protest
3 Jedi voiced by Tom Kane on “The Clone Wars”
4 Seize
5 “What __ thou?” 6 Pt. of USA
7 First name of two
Spice Girls 8 Reflexive
pronoun
9 __ Khan
10 Paul Newman
hockey film 11 Sopping 12 Decree 13 Ancient Greek
marketplace 14 Hero in operas,
typically
19 __ oil
20 Key spot 25 Juilliard deg. 27 Gasohol, e.g. 28 Division word 29 Yummy
30 “Sons of Anarchy” actor Perlman 1/12/24