DEAR ANNIE®
Dear Annie: My husband and I recently moved from out of state to be closer to family. My mother-in-law and her large extended family have regular gatherings. When we first moved, they were so open to us and invited us to holiday parties and gatherings. I thought that I hit it off well with my husband’s cousin’s wife, who likes to host most of the parties and puts a lot of thought into them.
However, since Christmas, we haven’t been invited to any gatherings. In fact, this week, the entire family is going on a weeklong vacation trip to the beach where they will be sharing a huge beach house. My husband and I were not invited, and my mother-in-law told us that she inquired about us going, but the aforementioned cousin’s wife said there aren’t enough beds. (Our household is just me and my husband, FYI.)
Also, each year, they have a huge family reunion in August with multiple activities planned. We haven’t heard anything.
It is obvious that my mother-inlaw and sister-in-law are aware of the situation, so they try to move on from the topic quickly.
How do I go about confronting the situation? It appears that my husband’s cousins are the main driving force in social gatherings, so should I confront her about it?
One of the reasons we moved back home was to be closer to family, so it feels even more hurtful to be excluded. It feels like we’re being ostracized or, at best, overlooked. I want to think they have the best of intentions, but it feels very passiveaggressive. Any help in this would be wonderful. Thank you. -- Outcast With a Dish To Pass
Dear Outcast: Instead of waiting and wondering, why not take matters into your own hands? Plan a family event, and call each family member individually to invite them and tell them how much you’d value their attendance. If entertaining isn’t your thing, you could do something smaller, like inviting your husband’s cousin and his wife over for dinner at your house.
It would be courteous and kind if they included you in family events right off the bat, but sometimes we have to put in the effort to make the first move. Once you do, they will likely reciprocate. And if they don’t, ask your husband to get involved. After all, he probably knew his cousin when they were kids, and he can find out what’s up with the guy’s wife.
Dear Annie: Your response to “Dog Lover,” the man who was upset that his wife didn’t want any more dogs, was well-intentioned, but the wife’s mindset against future dogs seems to be more difficult to overcome. Dogs are a lifestyle and cannot be reduced to shedding or accidents in the house (the latter easily remedied through training in my experience, save for elderly incontinence).
I fear that the issue is deeper and might need marriage counseling. It could even be irreconcilable -- much like whether to have children. I’m a gay male, no kids, but if any partner made an ultimatum between him or my dog, I’d be parting ways. I’ve lost two longtime partners to health issues (after 23 1/2 and 3 1/2 years), and our dogs were a central part of our lifestyle. I needed them to help me through those losses.
“Must love dogs” is a part of any dating profile for me, and I don’t think that I’m alone. -- Can’t Compromise on Canines
Dear Can’t Compromise: You are right that owning a dog is a lifestyle that, for many, can be a dealbreaker. If “Dog Lover” and his wife can’t reach a compromise they’re both satisfied with, your suggestion that they seek a marriage counselor is very wise. Thank you for the great advice!
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.