DEAR ANNIE®
Dear Annie: Last weekend, my beloved sister died from Alzheimer’s after a very long, difficult and painful decline. I was her sole caretaker for the past three years because my other sisters live too far away to help. I was with my sister up until the moment she died, working with hospice to try to make it easier for her and communicating her passing to my other sisters, who also loved her very much.
Now my other sisters and I have decided we would like to hold a memorial service for her back in our hometown, where her ashes can be buried with my parents. However, one of my other sisters and I differ on the timing, and we have gotten into a horrible fight over it.
She wants to wait a full year to have a service on my sister’s birthday on June 25, 2023, because it’s easier and less expensive for her family to attend. I think that’s too late. I think people, including her dear friends back in our home state, will have moved on by then. I think people will wonder why we haven’t done anything for her. Plus, I have been grieving her for three years, as she lost the ability to talk and walk and then finally ceased recognizing me, and I need closure. I have told my sister I am open to having the service anytime in the next six months, and I can help pay her airfare if she can’t afford a ticket right now. I think her position is unreasonable. -- Grieving
Dear Still Grieving: I agree. She is being unreasonable. After a long and painful three years, you especially -- as well as the rest of your family -- deserve closure in order to honor your sister’s memory. You have been the caretaker, and you make many good points about why you need a memorial soon.
However, I would suggest that you try to accommodate your other sister by having two ceremonies. Plan a service now, for sure, and then work with her to plan a memorial on June 25, 2023, honoring her birthday and the one-year anniversary of her passing.
Point out to your sister that the memorial a year from now is something you can work together in planning and organizing, so you both make sure that this issue doesn’t drive a wedge between you
Still and your sisters; you need one another now more than ever.
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Frustrated With Public Transit,” the woman who is losing patience with her husband’s insistence that they take public transportation everywhere. This family has a few other options for helping the planet, some of which might be more time-efficient:
No. 1: The working spouse could seek others to share car rides with to and from work; a well-maintained vehicle filled with four passengers is better for the climate.
No. 2: The husband could help lobby or raise awareness for improving public transit. (Granted, they would have to wait a while to see any improvements.)
No. 3: The family could purchase an electric vehicle.
No. 4: The commuting spouse could inquire if the job could be partially or fully accomplished by working from home. -- Other Options
Dear Other Options: Indeed, there are many ways to help the planet without destroying a marriage. Thanks for these practical ideas that would enable the husband to stay home more while continuing to work to reduce carbon emissions.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.