DEAR ANNIE ®
Dear Annie: On Valentine’s Day this year, my wife and I did nothing together. That’s because she feels hurt, and she is upset and mad at me. I said some words to her a few days ago, and then, like a fool, I did it again!
My wife has a tender heart, and she is sweet, kind, a great mother and an even better grandmother. So, what’s the problem here? Well, she wears her tender heart on her sleeve, which makes her vulnerable to others’ words -especially to my words. I have that power over her, and I do not want that power.
Other people can hurt and upset her, but she says that I am the worst. She says when it happens, she is devastated, and she runs away and withdraws from me, sleeping in the second bedroom sometimes for many days. At this point we do nothing together, and she rarely even speaks to me. For me, these are the worst of times. I miss her. When we are in sync and together as one, well, those times for me are the best of times.
I have tried to explain to her that sometimes when I’m not thinking right, some words are said that I always regret. I have told her when that happens that it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Her response is that if I really loved her, I would never say words that hurt her. Then, I say I’m not a perfect man and I have warts; I hate my warts and wish they were completely gone, but they are still here. We can go along months at a time, and then WHAM! My stupid words come and lay her out flat.
I want to say to her: “Who am I, that I should have so much power over you that I can bowl you over?” I want to say: “Could you choose to be stronger and not give me the power that you give me? Could you not allow me to be able to do that to you?” So Annie, we need help! Can you help us? -- Too Much Power
Dear Too Much Power: Your complaint is that you have too much power over your wife, but what I see is that you are totally powerless over yourself. Your wife is very sensitive, and it is likely that is what attracted you to her in the first place -- her caring, sensitive and sweet nature. Now these are qualities you are complaining about. Rewording your question for her, you might ask yourself, “Could you choose to be stronger and not give in to the impulse to insult her?”
Your letter is complaining about her problem, but you start it by admitting that you are powerless over your outbursts and insults. At best, this is a couples problem. Marriage counseling might be very helpful. Can you look in the mirror and see your yelling at her or putting her down as a problem that you create? Ask yourself, why am I powerless to stop it? It does sound like your wife takes her time in forgiveness, so maybe you could both compromise, where you will really work on the words that you speak to her, and she will forgive you. This is all assuming that they are small remarks. If in any way, shape, form or manner you are emotionally abusing her, then she should leave you and seek the help of a domestic violence hotline.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www. creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.