Avoiding relative’s wedding due to a past sexual incident

DEAR READERS » Every year I step away from my daily column to work on other creative projects. I’ve gathered some topical “Best Of” columns from 10 years ago.

DEAR AMY » I am a 33year-old woman who has kept a secret since I was in junior high school.

A relative who is a few years older than me, “Steve,” did some sexually inappropriate things to me. It didn’t involve nudity and I’d rather not get into detail, but it was very inappropriate and made me quite uncomfortable.

I never told anyone about this. Our parents were close and I never wanted to cause any hardship between them.

It has not mattered before because we would see that part of the family so infrequently that I was able to avoid him.

I have mostly forgotten about the incident except for occasional flashbacks that I quickly repress.

We were recently sent a “save the date” announcement for Steve’s wedding.

I have no desire to celebrate him in any way, much less be forced to go to his wedding.

My mother takes these occasions very seriously and has not responded well to my initial attempts to tell her that I do not want to attend.

I don’t think any excuse (except telling her the truth) will get me out of this and still be in her good graces.

I don’t want to tell the truth now because our mothers are very close, and I don’t want to upset that relationship.

— Worried DEAR WORRIED » If you try hard enough, you can always find a good reason for not revealing the truth — to protect your mother’s relationships, for instance.

Shedding light on this secret might be the best thing for you, and I could well imagine that your mother would want to know.

You should get used to the idea that your mother is going to be upset, regardless of what you choose to do.

You could try to hedge by saying, “Mom, I really don’t like ‘Steve.’ I haven’t liked him since we were kids. I don’t want to go to his wedding.”

That might be enough of an explanation for your mother, but you should ask yourself if this is really right for you.

DEAR AMY » Responding to the question of what to do with your wedding gown (after you’ve used it), I got married in a Jessica McClintock ensemble of white lace jodhpurs, a black silk jacket and a lace jabot.

This Halloween for our neighborhood pet costume contest I made my cat, Roscoe, a wedding dress and used my lace jabot as his veil.

My jabot went back in the cedar chest afterward.

— Proud Cat Owner DEAR PROUD » And people say that cat owners are a little eccentric! I’m imagining your costumed cat, as well as the next use for your lace jabot.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson. com and follow her on Twitter @askingamy.