Mother-in-law triggers traumatic experience

DEAR AMY >> I’m a new mom to a wonderful, healthy and happy baby.

The birth was traumatic. My postpartum period was marred with unbearable pain, physical limitations, and multiple surgeries.

It was a difficult time of my life that I’m trying to move past in order to enjoy the happy times of new parenthood ahead.

I’m having a lot of trouble with some of my mother-in-law’s comments.

During the worst of this painful postpartum time, my active, able-bodied MIL came to visit the baby. I asked her if she’d throw in a load of laundry while she was at the house, since I couldn’t get downstairs easily.

She said no, and her explanation was: “That’s not what I had in mind.”

She was only willing to hold the baby.

Her unwillingness to help with everyday practicalities absolutely gutted me.

I now accept that this is the type of person she is.

The problem is that now, whenever she comes over and complains about having to do her own housework (she is able-bodied and lives alone), it brings back these awful memories of feeling completely abandoned by her during my greatest time of need.

It is literally like a terrifying flashback to those hard days when my pain was so excruciating. I was struggling every day simply not to give up!

How do I get her to stop talking about these things that seem to be so triggering for me?

— Gutted in Illinois

DEAR GUTTED >> My first recommendation is that you pay very close attention to your own health. Your traumatic experience giving birth (and it sounds truly and extremely painful), could have triggered postpartum depression — and/or PTSD.

I am not being deliberately alarmist, but your flashbacks are “terrifying,” and if these feelings don’t ease considerably with time, you really must seek mental health support and treatment.

Regarding your mother-in-law, a frank and respectful talk is in order.

She created a bright boundary regarding exactly how she was willing to be “helpful” to you.

She will hold the baby, if she wants to.

You can initiate a challenging conversation by saying, “This is a hard topic for me to bring up. I hope you will understand that I need to be honest with you. I am still struggling to recover from an incredibly challenging birth. You’ve made it clear that you aren’t willing to help out around our house, and I accept that. But every time you complain about your own burdens, I’m reminded of my own. I really wish you wouldn’t do it.”