Refusing the list is refusing a gift

DEAR AMY >> I was raised to not ask for gifts on special occasions such as Christmas, but to instead appreciate whatever someone wishes to give me, including no gift at all.

This means that I don’t make gift lists, even when someone asks.

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost a decade. We have one young child, with a second on the way.

His family is a “list” family.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I have expressed I will not partake in this list-making for birthdays and Christmas.

After the first few years, I learned that my partner had been making a list for me behind my back and giving it to them.

I was pretty upset and asked him to stop.

This year I was asked directly again by one of his family members on an entire family group text to provide a list for me and our daughter.

I specifically stated I was raised not to make lists and will be teaching our children the same — so no lists for me or them! I mentioned that we have many hobbies and like trying new ones.

I also mentioned that I’d like to teach my children that it is not about the gifts, and that we’d be happy receiving anything or nothing.

I found out soon afterwards that my partner again went behind my back — and made lists for me and our child (after they again asked him).

I am at a loss. I feel a lack of trust and disrespect toward me trying to instill certain values in my children.

I am very upset and do not know how to handle this.

Please share your opinion.

— Against Gift Lists

DEAR AGAINST >> What you don’t seem to understand is that many people simply don’t know where to start.

So, by refusing to provide any guidance at all, you are making this whole process harder for these family members.

A lot of people really do want to give gifts that children will genuinely enjoy. But is your child into LEGOS or graphic novels? Do they love the science center or want to learn the violin?

Do they have a special wish or a collection the inlaws could add to?

This seems to have become a control thing for you, even though your goal seems to be the opposite.

It is obvious that your partner’s family does not know you very well, but by wanting to give you a gift you would need or enjoy they are trying to please you.

Letting them know the things you like (“I’m really into gardening this year”) will help to build a connection with them.

Your children will be raised with extended families that have different styles. That’s not a bad thing.

Your attitude toward this so far doesn’t seem to demonstrate tolerance, grace or gratitude: core values that you are obviously — and laudably — passing along to your children.