Married man wonders about platonic friend

DEAR AMY >> Iama 39-year-old married man. I made a friend two years ago at work. She is 39, divorced, and lives alone. Our friendship built up over time and is solid.

Over the last few months, she has been opening up about her darkest feelings and deepest secrets. Best friends do share a lot, but I am unsure how much is too much. She has been behaving in a platonic way, but sometimes I do get vibes of this crossing the line.

I once felt that she wanted to give me a long hug but then walked away. (This was a very strong vibe.)

I had a quick and honest talk about her behavior. She confirmed that things are platonic, but I can’t shake off these vibes.

During some conversations, the look in her eyes does tell me that something is up.

She has anxiety and depression and is on meds.

How should I manage this?

Should I assume that she isn’t having feelings?

I am not someone who gives up on friends, but at the same time, I can’t handle it if she develops feelings for me.

—KK

DEAR KK >> Married people can certainly have and maintain friendships aside from the marriage, but here’s a reminder.

Your spouse should really hold “best friend” status for you, and it is important that you convey this — in large and small ways — to your work friend.

An analogy I appreciate is to envision a structure — a house — where you and your wife are inside together. When others seek a friendship with you, they should knock on the door and be invited in.

Your work friend seems to be jimmying a window open. She is confiding in you, which is establishing a private intimacy. It obviously makes you feel uncomfortable, and my suggestion is for you to gently close the window and direct her around to the entrance of your metaphorical house.

Do not share deep and personal intimacies of your own life with her. Refrain from commenting too deeply when she confides in you.

Do not communicate with her outside of work.

Establishing firmer boundaries should help your friend to transition to a more appropriate relationship with you. It is important for her to recognize that you should not be her only friend and confidant.

It is important for you to recognize that any time you feel uncomfortable, you have the right (and responsibility) to respond in a way that protects you and your own interests, regardless of your perception of the other person’s needs.