Bits and Bobs

While coming out of the loo in Safeway, a guy said to me, very calmly, “You should wait until someone leaves the bathroom rather than keep jiggling the handle.”

Confused, I said, “Why are you telling me this?”

He looked blankly at me, then took his cart and wheeled off.

A woman across from me heard what he said. We looked at each other. She rolled her eyes. I was too shocked to roll mine. Little did that guy know that I hate touching bathroom handles. “Weirdo,” I said. I'm still shaking my head.

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I saw a Corvette in Lakeport, a clean, slick white one. Had to look at the emblem to identify what kind of car it was. Must have been a brand new one because it looked more space-agey than a sexy Corvette. I almost bought a Corvette many decades ago. A black one, with gray leather interior. When I checked in with the car salesman the next day, he gave me back my deposit and told me the car was no longer available, someone came in after me and paid cash for it. Such disappointment, but it was probably a good thing. I can only imagine how many speeding tickets I dodged.

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Have you noticed that when you ask someone, “How are you?” they don't say “fine” like they used to? Now they tell you how they really are; recovering from a two-week coma, their sinuses are killing them, recovering from foot surgery, they have shingles — the list goes on. What are you supposed to reply to any of that? So sorry. Wish you a speedy recovery. Give them a Will Smith-slap, tell them to buck up? I think instead of asking how they are, I'm just gonna say, “Hey.”

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Someone recently asked me how I got into writing. Did I study it at school? I always respond that I just started writing, mainly because I loved reading. Any and all Nancy Drew books. I wrote my own first Nancy Drew-like story. I called it The Mystery of Beggarsbush Bog. It was such a mystery that I couldn't figure it out.

I did take a few writing courses at community college. I took one twice because it spurred me into writing. Thought of taking it a third time and then realized that I was a better writer than the instructor. I moved on to a “How to Write Your Novel” course at UCLA. The instructor told us to write a scene and gave us 10 minutes. My brain burned white hot and it wasn't until the last two minutes that I came up with something.

The people in the class were asked to bring the first chapter of a novel we were working on. Most others in the class were accomplished writers and authors. When I saw the instructor take my chapter pages and begin to read them, I almost passed out in fear. But when she was done reading, she held my pages high and blurted out, “Now that's how you start a novel!” Oh, gads, I almost wet my pants! Such validation. I floated home and designed a business card that said, “Lucy Llewellyn Byard, author.” Which wasn't technically correct as I hadn't published a novel, but I didn't care. I was validated!

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Recently I saw a headline in the Record-Bee about a law preventing employers from spying on employees. In Sri Lanka my photo partner and I photographed weddings (oh, do I have stories!). We hired a fellow to create wedding albums from the photographs we took. He sat across from my work station. I could only see the back of his computer. Creating a wedding album would typically take me two or three days. It took this fellow over a week to complete one. I couldn't figure it out, until I looked at the history on his computer. He was gambling online and watching porno — as I sat across from him! I fired him that day. I don't consider that spying, but checking on his work. From then on, the album designer sat at a desk where I could see the screen of their computer. Live and learn.

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While waiting to see my eye doctor after my two successful cataract surgeries, I saw something on Facebook or Instagram that cracked me up. It was so perfect for the moment. I memorized it and when I saw the doctor, he asked me how I was. I said, “I'm good but I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes and now I'm afraid I have Heinzsight.” Dr. S laughed and gave me an elbow bump. “That's a good one,” he said, still chuckling. Made my day!! Still cracks me up.

Those are my bits and bobs…for now.