Stephen Colbert

On Trump’s tweet blaming the fires on poor forest management:

“I’d hate to be choking with only Trump there to save me. (Begins

Mimicking

Trump.) ‘There’s no reason for this massive loss of oxygen except your chewing management was so poor. Remedy now, or no Heimlich.’ ”

On Trump suggesting the U.S. should increase tariffs on wine from France:

“Aren’t you losing support with suburban white women? Maybe now’s not the time to come after wine. What’s next? Banning book club and Nancy Meyers movies?”

On the midterm results:

“I read that since last week’s midterms, President Trump has been acting sad and upset. The staffers are doing everything they can to cheer him up. Today, they even rehired Jeff Sessions just so he could fire him again.”

On CNN’s lawsuit against Trump:

“This morning CNN filed a lawsuit against President Trump. When Trump found out , he was furious. He was like ‘Crap, did I sleep with CNN?’ ”

On Trump saying he “retired” Sen. Jeff Flake, R-Ariz., which was followed by Democrat Kyrsten Sinema’s victory in race for Flake’s seat:

“Trump’s like guy who doesn’t get along with his buddy’s girlfriend, so he convinces him to dump her. And then his buddy brings his new girlfriend over for dinner, and when Trump opens the door, it’s Hillary Clinton.”

“That’s right, the new attorney general of the United States was involved in a scam selling hot tubs. Not only does this administration keep adding grifters, the scams keep getting worse. The new secretary of state’s going to be a guy who forges signatures on baseballs.”

A toy company has announced it will begin selling a Lego-inspired kit for kids called MAGA Build the Wall. The way it works is you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding.

On Whitaker: On the border wall: On Trump contradicting himself by saying he didn’t know Whitaker:

“At this point, you’ve just gotta laugh when Trump contradicts himself. He’s like Newton’s third law: for every Trump, there is an equal and opposite Trump.”

On Trump canceling his appearance at a ceremony to honor fallen World War I soldiers:

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“So the president’s helicopter can’t fly in the rain? What, does the helicopter need to keep its hair dry too?”