Man’s bid for perfect parties irks wife

Dear Abby: I have been married to my wonderful husband, “Alec,” for five years. This is a second marriage for both of us. We raised children on our own and waited until they were out of the house to get into a relationship.

My issue is Alec plans events and then becomes stressed because the house or the food isn’t perfect. My idea of an event is: My family comes over and we enjoy each other’s company. We usually do potluck, and everyone helps with the cleanup. My husband’s idea of an event is that we are the hosts and everyone sits down to a formal dinner.

I hate this! Why would I spend all my time serving my family and cleaning up after them instead of enjoying being with them? In his defense, Alec does most of the prep and hosting on his events. But he’s obviously irritated the whole time, and by the time of the event, we’re barely speaking.

These events are not fun for us, and the visiting family notices the tension. I just want to enjoy my family — not impress anyone.

I have tried discussing it with him, and he says, “My mom was a perfect hostess. She made everyone comfortable, waited on them, etc.” I don’t care what his mom did. This is how I entertain, and I’m not going to kill myself and then have a miserable time. — Difference of Style

Dear Difference: Remind your husband that families have their own traditions. If he wants to entertain his family in grand style, he’s entitled to do that. However, he has no right to impose his style of entertaining on your family. Because you’re not going to change him, compromise by divvying up the entertaining.

Dear Abby: I have an aversion to being hugged. Since I have been like this my whole life, I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with me. I do let family I am close to hug me.

My problem is friends or acquaintances who consider themselves “huggers.” Their right to hug seems to trump my right not to be. When I tell them I don’t want a hug, they press the issue.

People: If you are “huggers,” realize that not everyone enjoys it. Always ask first, and if someone says no, respect their right not to have a hug forced upon them. — Withholding in Wisconsin

Dear Withholding: Some people are averse to their personal space being invaded. No one has the right to touch an acquaintance if asked not to do it.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.